Joke Type: story joke

Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Tom Jones and the Siamese Twins

    A pair of drop-dead gorgeous female Siamese twins who were joined at the hip saw the ad for the concert in the local paper. One of them said, “Hey, Tom Jones is in town! How would you like to go and see him?” They agreed to go, hoping they might get to meet him.

    Tom Jones did in fact notice them from the stage and asked for them to be sent to his room. After a couple of drinks, he asked them if they would be into any hanky-panky, and one of them definitely was, but the other one not so much. Tom asked the other one what she likes doing, and she said she actually likes to play the trombone, so he picked one up from the horn section so she could keep herself amused while he had his way with the other one.

    A couple of years later, there was another ad in the paper that the twins saw, and one of them said, “Hey, would you like to go see Tom Jones again?”

    The other twin replied, “Do you think he would remember us?”

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  • Plant Your Potatoes, Dad

    An old farmer wrote to his son in prison.

    “This year I won’t be able to plant potatoes because I can’t dig the field. I know if you were here you would help me.”

    The son wrote back, “Dad, don’t even think of digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole.”

    Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug up by the police looking for the money, but nothing was found.

    The next day the son wrote again, “Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I can do from here.”

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  • The Thanksgiving Turkey Guts

    A husband and wife married for many years — every morning the husband wakes up and lets out a thunderous fart, then cackles. One day she glares at him and says, “You know, one of these days you’re going to shit your guts out.” He shrugs it off and they go about life.

    Come around to Thanksgiving, the wife is downstairs prepping a turkey for dinner, husband is sleeping upstairs in bed. As she pulls the turkey’s guts out, she gets a clever idea, and sneaks upstairs holding a small handful of the turkey’s guts. She tucks them into her husband’s underwear.

    She goes back downstairs and continues to cook. A short while later, the husband wakes up. She hears his usual morning fart, his cackle, then dead silence.

    A few minutes later the husband comes down the stairs. He is pale, shaking a little, and looks like a deer in the headlights.

    “Is everything okay, dear?” she asks without missing a beat.

    “Well, yea,” the husband says. “But you were right, I did shit my guts out. But with these two fingers and a little determination, I got them back up in there.”

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  • Superman’s Drinking Problem

    A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper and orders a cold beer.

    As he’s sipping it, he suddenly watches the guy next to him stroll over to the window… and jump right out!

    “Good grief! Did you see that?! That man just jumped out the window!”

    The bartender doesn’t even blink.

    Shaken, the man takes another sip.

    A minute later, the same guy walks back in, sits down, orders another drink, finishes it, and jumps out the window again.

    The man shouts, “Are you kidding me?! He did it again!”

    Still, the bartender says nothing.

    The guy comes back into the bar and orders another drink.

    Finally, the man asks, “How on earth are you surviving those jumps?”

    The guy grins and says, “Oh, it’s this special drink. If you finish it fast enough, you can float.”

    Excited, the man orders the same “floatie” drink, chugs it, runs to the window, jumps out… and SPLAT — straight onto the sidewalk.

    The bartender sighs and says, “Superman… you’re a real jerk when you’ve been drinking.”

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  • The Bloody Canoe

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are exploring the deepest part of the Amazon jungle. One day, a savage tribe of cannibals captures the trio and they’re brought before the chieftain.

    “Trespassing is punishable by death for white devils,” the chieftain says in passable English. “But your skin will make some fine canoes for us. However, you can all have one request fulfilled to the best of our ability to do so!”

    The Englishman nods, accepting his fate. “I don’t suppose you have a telephone out here so I can call home?”

    “Yes, we have taken many of these things from interlopers,” says the chieftain.

    Surprised, he dials his wife. “Hello my dear, I’m afraid I won’t be coming home. Terribly sorry. My love to the kids.”

    He closes his eyes, is killed, and they begin taking his skin and meat for meals.

    The Scotsman gulps. “I really could do with a drink — whiskey if you have any, so I won’t feel it.”

    The chieftain snaps his fingers and a tribesman brings out a crate of whiskey. The Scotsman immediately begins getting drunk, downing bottle after bottle until he falls asleep, and he too is killed. They make preparations to turn him into meals and a canoe with his skin.

    The Irishman says, “Umm… do you have a fork?”

    Puzzled, the chief commands a tribesman to give him a fork, and before anybody could react, the Irishman begins stabbing himself all over his body.

    “You’re not turning me into a bloody canoe, ye bastards!”

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  • Death by Unga Bunga

    Three explorers crash-land their plane on an uncharted tropical island. The isolationist islanders promptly capture the three survivors and put them on trial for trespassing. Surprisingly, the grand chief of the island speaks broken English.

    “You break harmony on our land,” he says. “There are two punishments for this offense: death, or unga bunga. Choose.” The chief points at the first explorer.

    The first guy chooses unga bunga, because what could be worse than death? Then three islanders step out and drop their loincloths to reveal porn-sized penises. The three islanders then fuck the explorer six ways from Sunday. Once the islanders are spent, the explorer is released.

    The chief then points to the second explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    The second explorer weighs his options. After an excruciating exchange in his own head, he meekly replies, “Unga bunga.”

    Three more islanders drop their loincloths, their penises even bigger than the ones before. They have their way with the second explorer and then release him.

    The chief points at the third explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    “Death,” the explorer replies.

    The chief scratches his chin and reflects. “No one ever choose death before… Death by unga bunga!”

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  • Three Tough Rats

    Three rats were sitting around talking. The subject turned to how tough they were.

    The first rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the traps they set out for us? I undo the latch and work out with them.”

    The second rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the poison pellets they set out for us? I chop ’em up with a razor blade and snort it.”

    The third rat starts to leave, and the other two ask him where he’s going.

    The third rat replied, “I’m going upstairs to fuck the cat.”

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  • The Doctor’s Clinic

    A doctor couldn’t get hired at the hospital, so he opened his own clinic.

    Outside, he hung a sign:

    TREATMENT: $20
    IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU — YOU GET $100 BACK

    A lawyer saw the sign and thought, “I’ll make some easy money.”

    He walked in.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

    Doctor: “Nurse, bottle No. 14 — three drops on his tongue.”

    The lawyer sputters, “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”

    Doctor: “Great — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”

    Irritated, the lawyer returned a few days later.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”

    Doctor: “Bottle No. 14 again — three drops.”

    Lawyer: “Hey! That’s kerosene! You gave me that last time!”

    Doctor: “Perfect — your memory is back. That’ll be $20.”

    Fuming, the lawyer came back one more time.

    Lawyer: “My eyesight is terrible. I can’t see a thing.”

    Doctor: “I’m afraid we can’t help with that. Here — take this $100.”

    The lawyer looks at the bill.

    “Hey… this is only $20!”

    Doctor: “And just like that… your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”

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  • The Centipede’s Errand

    An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.

    The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more. The centipede says, “No, let me do it. You’d take too long. I have a lot more legs than you — I can do it faster!” The bugs agree.

    Ten minutes pass… then twenty minutes, then thirty, then more. The spider asks, “What’s taking him so long?” The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.

    The ant asks, “Hey man, what’s taking you so long?”

    The centipede replies, “I’m still putting on my shoes.”

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  • The Pumpkin Patch

    Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

    The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

    The suspect explained he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,” he stated.

    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y’know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.”

    Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’”

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Shit… is it midnight already?”

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