Joke Type: story joke

Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Leprechaun Wish at the World Cup

    England had made the FIFA World Cup final, but poor Nigel was absolutely gutted. Due to a spate of bad financial luck, he had to cancel his plans to travel across the pond and cheer on his countrymen in person.

    While sulking on a walk, he spotted a four-leaf clover.

    “Maybe my luck has turned,” he said hopefully to himself.

    He picked it up, and suddenly, a little leprechaun with a bushy red beard appeared. It did a little dance and sang: “Hiya! I’m Happy McTavish, the magical leprechaun! It’s yer lucky fuckin’ day! Make yourself a wish, and I’ll grant it straight away! He-he-he!”

    Nigel didn’t hesitate. “I wish to be on the pitch with England in the World Cup final!”

    “DONE!”

    The leprechaun snapped its fingers, and a moment later, Nigel was on the pitch. It was all he could do to not burst into tears. Then Nigel thought – Hold on. Where are my arms and legs?

    Then BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face.

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  • Boat for Sale

    An old woman goes to the newspaper office after her husband died.

    She says to the person at the front desk that she needs to get an obituary published for her husband.

    She gets brought into an office and is asked what she wants the obituary to say.

    The woman thinks and says, “Fred Smith died.”

    The reporter looks at her and says, “Ma’am, you can have it say more than that if you want.”

    So the little old lady thinks for a second and says, “Fred Smith died. Boat for sale.”

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  • Perfect Eyesight on the Fairway

    Arthur is 75 years old…

    He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago.

    One day, he arrives home looking downcast.

    “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I couldn’t see where it went.”

    His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.

    As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?”

    “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

    “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

    So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

    “Of course I did!” the brother-in-law answers. “I have perfect eyesight.”

    “Where did it go?” Arthur asks.

    “I don’t remember.”

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  • May I Speak to Mr. Green

    A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone…

    “Can I speak to Mr. Green, please?” a little voice at the other end asks.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” the receptionist says, “Mr. Green died last week.”

    “Thank you.” The little voice then hangs up.

    The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”

    The receptionist says, “I’m pretty sure you called yesterday, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead.”

    “Thank you.” The little voice responds again, then hangs up.

    The next day, the phone once again rings, and the same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”

    The receptionist is getting quite annoyed at this point. “Look, I know you’re the same person who called the last two days, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead! What about that don’t you understand!”

    The little voice responds, “Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love to hear you say it.”

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  • The Pope as His Chauffeur

    While visiting the United States, the Pope tells his limo driver that he suddenly has the urge to drive.

    The driver, being a devoted Catholic, would never dream of refusing the Pope, so he climbs into the back seat while the Pope takes the wheel.

    They’re cruising down the highway at nearly 80 mph when a police officer spots them and pulls them over.

    The officer radios headquarters:

    “Chief, I’ve pulled over a limo with a very important VIP inside.”

    The chief asks, “Who is it? The mayor?”

    “No, someone more important.”

    “The governor?”

    “More important.”

    “The President?!”

    “No, even more important.”

    Now irritated, the chief says, “Who could possibly be more important than the President?”

    The policeman calmly whispered, “I’ll put it to you this way, Chief… I don’t know who this guy is, but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”

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  • How Long Before I Can Get a Haircut

    This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

    The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”

    The guy leaves.

    A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

    The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”

    The guy leaves.

    A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

    The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”

    The guy leaves.

    The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”

    In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

    The barber asks, “Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?”

    Bill looks at him and says, “To your house.”

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  • Small World on the Golf Course

    Two guys are flying along the golf course, trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but they run into two terrible lady golfers on the 13th hole, who are playing painfully slow!

    The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?”

    The second guy walks ahead, and gets about 50 yards from the terrible twosome, before quickly turning and coming back.

    The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”

    The second guy says, “You’re not gonna believe this, but the woman in the pink is my wife, and the one in yellow is my mistress.”

    The first guy says, “Wow, that’s not good. Let me give it a try.”

    So the first guy gets about halfway there, stops in his tracks, turns and comes back, too.

    The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”

    The first guy says, “It’s a small world!”

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  • Increasing the GDP

    Two businessmen were walking down the street, when one of them spots a pile of dog shit on the ground.

    Being bored, he tells the other guy, “Hey, if you eat that, I’ll give you $10k right now.”

    Naturally, he plugs his nose and eats it. As promised, the first one pulls $10k out of his wallet and hands it over. It’s a big wallet, I guess.

    A mile later, they spot another pile. This time, the second businessman tells the first, “$10k to eat that right now!”

    Of course, the first one takes the deal. Easy money, right?

    They continue walking, and after a moment, the first one says, “You know, it occurs to me we both just ate dog shit, and we’re not a penny richer.”

    After a moment, the second one replies, “Yes, but we increased the GDP by $20k.”

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  • The Most Potent Aphrodisiac

    Mrs. Jones has been happily married to her husband for 50 years, but she is disappointed by how they are no longer intimate anymore in their autumn years. She decides to see her doctor.

    “Mrs. Jones, how can I help you?” the doctor smiles. She explains her situation and the doctor nods.

    “That is fine, Mrs. Jones, I can give you some pills for him to take.” Mrs. Jones shakes her head sadly. “Doctor, he refuses to take pills. It’s too embarrassing for him to think he has to take pills for sex.”

    The doctor says, “Ok, take this vial of liquid and put it in his morning coffee.”

    Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day. “Nothing, doctor, not even a hint of passion,” she says, disappointed.

    “Fine,” the doctor says. “Take this edible gel, and when you make him lunch, spread it on his sandwiches like butter. That’ll perk him up.”

    Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day, annoyed. “Again, nothing. He didn’t so much as get excited, even when I wore some lacy panties to bed that night.”

    The doctor scratches his head. “Right then.” He goes to a drawer and comes back with a medication that comes in a salt shaker. “Put this on his dinner. It is our most potent aphrodisiac.”

    Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day, absolutely furious. The doctor says, “Mrs. Jones, you must be joking, surely something happened.”

    Mrs. Jones angrily exclaims, “As soon as he had one bite, he got a mad glint in his eye. He took me and we had mad, wild, passionate sex. Right there on the table!”

    The doctor is confused. “But surely that’s what you wanted.”

    Mrs. Jones replies, “Of course, it was the best sex I have ever had in my life.”

    The doctor says, “But why are you so upset?”

    Mrs. Jones shouts, “I can never show my face in that restaurant again!!”

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  • Quit While He Was a Head

    A baby is born but he doesn’t have a body.

    He’s only a head. They called him Steven. Steven was a happy child and he lived as normal a life as you could under those circumstances. Finally when he reached 21 his dad said, “Come on son we’re going to have a drink to celebrate your birthday.”

    He put the head on the counter and he ordered two pints of Guinness. He said cheers and he poured a sip into his son’s mouth. To everyone’s surprise, a neck and shoulders popped out like balloons. With tears of joy, the dad gave him another sip, and pop! Two arms came out of the shoulders! The dad gave him a third sip, and pop! He grew a torso! And he gave him a fourth sip and pop! He grew legs! They had to get out of there to get him some clothes because he never had any before. His dad helped him to the door because he was unsteady on his feet because they were new and because of the drink.

    He stumbled into the street and got hit by a car, instantly killing him.

    The bartender said, “Poor guy. He should have quit while he was a head.”

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