Joke Type: story joke

Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Uncle Terrence Names the Twins

    Harry was deployed in the military when his pregnant wife Suzie was expecting to give birth.

    Harry was worried about the logistics of it all and how Suzie would handle the birth as they were pretty far from their family and didn’t have anyone they could reliably ask for help.

    Harry decided to ask his family if they could send someone to help Suzie.

    “Your brother Terrence will be available, let’s ask him,” Harry’s mom suggested on the phone.

    “Mom, Terrence couldn’t tell his left foot from his right one, he once punched a mirror because he thought his own reflection was someone else. I don’t want that idiot near my kids,” Harry replied.

    “Nonsense, that was years ago, he’s doing much better now. He’s great with instructions and will do all that the doctors say,” his mom replied, and so Harry reluctantly agreed.

    On the fateful day, Suzie called Harry and told him she felt her water breaking and was rushing to the hospital. Harry called up his brother Terrence and asked him to accompany Suzie and do what the doctors said.

    Over the next few days Harry only got brief updates from Terrence with messages like “under control” and “don’t worry.”

    6 days later Harry finally got Terrence on the phone and asked him for the good news.

    “There’s good news and bad news,” Terrence said.

    “What’s the bad news?” Harry asked.

    “Suzie is still at the hospital and the doctors say she’ll need a few days to come around,” replied Terrence.

    “And the good news?” Harry asked tentatively.

    “You got twins, they’re both healthy, but there’s better news.”

    Harry let out a large sigh of relief. “Ok, what’s the better news?”

    “They’re a boy and a girl. Mom came over today and we got the kids home. But there’s even better news,” Terrence replied.

    Harry was relieved but puzzled. “What’s the better news now?”

    “I got to name them,” Terrence said happily.

    Harry groaned loudly and angrily asked, “Did you name my son Denephew?”

    “No no, I named him Harrison,” Terrence replied.

    “Ok that’s not so bad,” Harry replied, but then immediately yelped, “WAIT, did you name my daughter Harridaughter?”

    “Of course not,” replied Terrence confidently. “I named her Ford.”

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  • Perfect Eyesight on the Golf Course

    Jimmy is a 78-year-old retiree who has played golf every day for nearly 20 years. He arrives home from the course and he’s quite dejected. He tells his bride that he’s gonna hang up the sticks as he can no longer see his ball after he takes a swing, and it really makes him upset!

    His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

    “That’s no good,” sighs the dejected retiree, “your brother is 85 years old! He can’t help.”

    “He may be 85,” says the patient wife, “but his eyesight is nearly perfect.”

    So the next day Jimmy heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees it up on the first hole, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway, and immediately asks the brother-in-law, “Did you see the ball?”

    “Of course I did!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

    “Where did it go?” Jimmy asks.

    “I don’t remember.”

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  • That Bar Shit Is Over

    My wife and I had only been married two weeks when I told her, “Honey, I’m going to Hank’s Tavern for a beer. I’ll be right back.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” she asked.

    “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” I said. “Just for a beer.”

    “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the fridge and showed me 25 different kinds from 12 countries.

    “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar they have frozen glasses…”

    “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She pulled out a huge frozen mug from the freezer.

    “Yes, Tootsie Roll… but they have really good hors d’oeuvres there too…”

    “You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She took out trays of chicken wings, pigs in blankets, and mushroom caps.

    “But baby, at the bar there’s swearing and dirty words…”

    “You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKIN’ BEER IN YOUR STUPID FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DUMB ASS HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ MARRIED NOW — THAT BAR SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?”

    Exactly why I’ve been married for 27 years….

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  • A Quick 9 Holes

    A guy and his wife had their 27th wedding anniversary last Sunday.

    He said, “Honey, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, and have an awesome evening planned for the two of us. But would it be alright if I got in a quick 9 holes first?”

    She replies, “Of course. Go have some fun!”

    He goes to the golf course and decides to have a beer before teeing it up. A very attractive blonde comes up to him at the bar and says, “I’ve had my eye on you for years. Forget golf for today, chug your beer, and we’re going back to my place!”

    She’s not going to take no for an answer, drags him back to her house, and screws his brains out!

    The man, feeling extremely remorseful, decides that he has to tell his wife about his infidelity, and he returns home.

    The GPS shows that his house is right around the corner from where he cheated on his wife, and he realizes that he just slept with his neighbor!

    He walks through the door and tells his wife, “Honey, I have to tell you something. I didn’t end up playing golf today. I haven’t been faithful to you, and actually ended up sleeping with Jennifer from two streets away.”

    His wife replied, “Bullshit! You rat bastard, you played 18 holes, didn’t you!”

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  • The Gorilla and the Pith Helmet

    A lion was drinking at the water hole, when a big horny gorilla saw the lion’s rusty bullet hole.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Quick as a flash the gorilla was humping the lion.

    After struggling to get free, the furious lion chased the gorilla through the jungle.

    The gorilla was miles ahead when he found a clearing. There was a tourist sitting on a deck chair wearing a pith helmet and reading the paper.

    The tourist crapped himself and scarpered, the hat and paper were tossed into the air.

    The gorilla quickly put on the pith helmet, sat on the deck chair, and was pretending to read the paper.

    The lion entered the clearing and said, “Did you just see a gorilla run through here?”

    The gorilla said, “What, the one that shagged the lion down by the watering hole?”

    The lion said, “Aww, it’s not in the fuckin’ papers already is it?”

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  • Just Walk

    A group of tourists got turned around on a backroad and spotted an old local sitting by the path. They stopped to ask for directions and how long it would take to get to the train station.

    The old man simply pointed toward the horizon.

    “Alright, but how long will it take?” one of the tourists asked. “An hour? More?”

    “Just walk,” the old man said flatly.

    “Yeah, we’re going to walk,” the tourist replied, a bit annoyed. “But we need to know the timeframe. How long will it take us to get there?”

    “Just walk,” the old man repeated.

    “Look, can you answer a simple question or not?” the tourist snapped, convinced the old man was losing his grip.

    Thinking the man was just senile, the group turned around and started walking away. They had only gone about fifty yards when they heard the old man shout after them:

    “It’ll take you about an hour and a half!”

    The tourists stopped and yelled back, “Why couldn’t you just tell us that in the first place?”

    “Because,” the old man yelled, “I had to see how fast you walk!”

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  • Praise the Lord

    Frank walked into “Miller’s Ranch” out in rural Arizona, looking to buy himself a good, dependable horse.

    Old Mr. Miller said, “I’ve got the perfect one for you, but he was trained a little different — to make him go, you shout ‘Praise the Lord!’ and to make him stop, you yell ‘Hallelujah!’”

    Frank chuckled and said, “Well, I’ve been married 40 years — I can remember two words. Let’s take him for a spin.”

    Frank was grinning ear to ear, flying down the dusty trail, wind in his hair, feeling 25 again.

    Then he noticed they were heading straight toward a steep canyon.

    “Whoa!” he hollered — but the horse just kept running.

    “Stop!” he yelled — still nothing.

    Panicking, he tried every word he could think of, but that canyon was getting closer by the second.

    Just a few feet from the edge, it hit him.

    “Hallelujah!” Frank screamed.

    The horse slid to a perfect stop inches from the drop-off.

    Frank wiped his brow, looked up at the sky, put his hand over his heart, and said softly…

    “Praise the Lord.”

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  • The Mercedes Sight

    An old guy from the countryside visits New York for the first time. He’s never seen so many cars, and he’s never been in one.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    He gets into a cab and starts asking the driver questions.

    “What’s that wheel for?”

    “That’s the steering wheel,” the driver says. “It lets me change direction.” He gives a quick demonstration, turning down a side street.

    “What about that button?”

    “That’s the horn. I use it to warn people.” He honks twice.

    “And what’s that?” the old man asks, pointing at the Mercedes emblem on the hood.

    “That’s a sight,” says the driver, deciding to have some fun. “It helps me aim at the people I want to run over.”

    With that, he lines up a pedestrian crossing the street, speeds up, then swerves at the last second.

    Suddenly… Bang! A loud crash comes from the side of the car.

    “Well,” says the old man, “you’ve got all these fancy gadgets, but you would’ve missed him if I hadn’t opened the door.”

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  • A Very Delicate Heart

    A retired fellow hadn’t been feeling quite right, so he went to see his doctor.

    After the exam, the doctor quietly asked his wife to step into the hallway.

    “I’m afraid your husband has a very delicate heart,” he said. “If you want him around a while longer, you’ll need to treat him like royalty — wait on him hand and foot, no stress, no chores, no lifting a finger.”

    On the drive home, the husband looked over nervously and asked, “So… what did the doc say?”

    His wife sighed and said, “He said you’re probably not going to make it.”

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  • Keeping Em Awake

    During church yesterday, the pastor was 10 minutes into his sermon when he noticed his 7-year-old son in the balcony with a pea-shooter. The boy was leaning over the railing, carefully aiming and popping members of the congregation in the head. Just as the pastor was about to stop his sermon and give his son a public scolding, the boy hollered out, “You just keep preaching, Dad! I’ll keep ’em awake!”

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