I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy.

I’ve been trying to come up with a good tree joke, but I’m stumped.

Dry erase boards were a remarkable invention.

Whenever I hear of a person missing from my neighborhood, I start digging holes in my yard. Nothing freaks out the cops more than fresh dig marks.

What do boobs and scotch have in common?

One is not enough and three is too many.

On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”

“Push and Pull.”

I am told that the salads I make tend to be a bit on the “dry” side.

It’s definitely something that needs addressing.

The other day, I was thinking about the time I put my very first car into reverse. Man, that took me back.

As I folded the third load of laundry this morning, I contemplated on becoming a nudist.

Then I remembered what I look like naked, and I kept folding…