My doctor said I could masturbate as much as I want…
That’s what he meant when he said I could have a stroke at any time, right?
Meh Thoughts
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Failed Sex Ed
Bobby and Jack got their report cards from school and found they failed sex ed…
Bobby told Jack, “I’m so angry, I want to kick Ms. Williams in the nuts!”
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Not a Single Piece of Straight Wood
Happy Pride Month to Home Depot!
There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.
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I Think It’s Nuts
The instructor in my self-defense class said that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
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Spilled the Beans
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
They really didn’t like it when I spilled the beans.
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Keep Dreaming Buddy
Called my boss this morning, asked him if I could come in late today because I’m super tired. He said, “Keep dreaming buddy.”
Which was super nice and unexpected of him.
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Absolute Game Changer
I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant.
Absolute game changer.
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Haven’t Heard From Him Since
Another friend recently quit his job to pursue a career to be a mime.
I haven’t heard from him since.
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Catch a Falling Star and Blackmail It
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you’ll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.
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A Nasty Habit
I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes.
She had a nasty habit.
