I have a friend who quit his job to pursue his dream in archaeology.
His career is now in ruins.
Meh Thoughts
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It’s Perfectly Normal
When my daughters were much younger, I tried to explain to them that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But they still make fun of me.
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You’ve Got a Friend in Me
The next Toy Story movie will include sex toys. They even wrote a new song for Andy’s mom:
You’ve got a friend IN ME.
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Your Dad Was Better at It
Growing up, my mom would never hit me or my brother.
When I asked her why, she said, “Because your dad was better at it.”
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Soup or Ahi Frozen Fish Sticks
What did Mary Poppins like for dinner?
Soup or ahi frozen fish sticks, ex peas, all delicious.
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Perfect for Fixing a Hot Dog
Did you know that if your dog is running a fever, you’re supposed to give them ketchup?
Apparently it’s perfect for fixing a hot dog!
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One Word or Spread Apart
Is buttcheeks one word or should I spread them apart?
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All of the Letters I Had Hidden
My wife accused me of cheating after she found all of the letters I had hidden.
Now she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
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Mrs Fire
I really miss Robin Williams. He was a legend!
Without a doubt my favorite movie of his was “Mrs Fire.”
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Being a Literalist
Being a literalist can sometimes be very helpful.
I can always respond to “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?” with a confident and honest “No.”
But I dread the day when she rephrases it as “Does my ass look fat in these jeans?”
