Meh Thoughts: Dark Shower Thoughts & One-Liners

A lot of things changed

When my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot of things changed.
Like my name, my phone number, and my address.

Did you hear the Vatican is releasing an online payment system to absolve you of your sins?
They’re calling it PaPal.

My boss said he couldn’t talk because he was traveling.

I told him he probably needs to shoot or pass, and refrain from dribbling again.

My girlfriend asked why I never buy her flowers.

I told her I didn’t know she sold flowers.

I just dumped some Adderall in my Ford Fiesta’s gas tank…
Now it’s a Ford Focus.

Why did the woman bring a remote control to the lake?

She was watching a live stream.

Why didn’t the personal trainer get kicked out of his apartment?

He had squatter’s rights.

What do you call a shoe made from a banana?

A slipper.

A termite walks into a pub and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender tells him, “You know, we have a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper answers, “You got a drink named Steve?”