Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a gerbil?
So that it doesn’t explode when you sodomize it.
Meh Thoughts
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Arrest a Mime
If I were a cop, I’d look for an excuse to arrest a mime just so I could tell them they had the right to remain silent.
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Take Something for My Kleptomania
I thought about trying to take something for my kleptomania, but that sort of defeats the purpose, then, doesn’t it?
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Teach a Man to Fish
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he becomes a lazy SOB who never works because he’s “gone fishin’!” Thanks a lot, genius!
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Scientists Can Clone Sheep
I sleep better at night knowing that scientists can clone sheep.
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$50 Every Time
My current girlfriend loves to give blowjobs. Then again, so would I if I got $50 every time I did it.
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Number One
Last night, my girlfriend told me that I’m her “number one.” That’s just great: Not only does she see another man, but I’m more numb than he is.
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Dogs Chase Cars
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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If At First You Don’t Succeed
If at first you don’t succeed, blackmail everyone who saw you fail. Unless what you failed at is blackmail — then you’ll have to go straight to murder.
