Just updated the experience section on my resume after I helped my Wiccan neighbor bury her pee jars.
Meh Thoughts
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“There’s a one letter difference between ‘heroes’ and ‘herpes,’
“There’s a one letter difference between ‘heroes’ and ‘herpes,’ so choose wisely, kids.” Why I’m not allowed to speak at schools anymore.
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Swallow
What bird doesn’t have kids?
Swallow.
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Gotta Hand It to Her
My blind doctor is incredible at solving erectile dysfunctions.
Gotta hand it to her.
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Sweet Car Online
I just heard that Neil Diamond has sold his car on eBay…
It’s a sweet car online.
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Not What It Looks Like
So a girl walks in and catches her boyfriend masturbating to an optical illusion. “What the hell are you doing?” she screams.
And he says, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like.”
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Wrong on So Many Levels
Did you hear about the elevator operator that kept making mistakes?
He was wrong on so many levels.
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A Brief Job
I worked as an underwear model…
It was just a brief job.
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Without a Tres
There was a Mexican magician. He said he’d disappear on the count of three. He said uno, dos, *poof*… he disappeared without a tres.
