I would totally stop bitching about where my jetpack is if they could just get the propeller beanie to work right. /@rmfnord
Meh Thoughts
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Yet another manifestation of the Creator’s wicked sense of humor: MY genitalia does not
Yet another manifestation of the Creator’s wicked sense of humor: MY genitalia does not get 25% larger each time we have a kid.
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I’m thinking about getting a nose job.
I’m thinking about getting a nose job. I’ll smell anything for money.
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When I visited sick kids as a baseball player, I always promised them I’d hit one or two
When I visited sick kids as a baseball player, I always promised them I’d hit one or two bars before the game and knock down a few beers.
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I bet it pisses off the Lenape Indians when they see how many beads drunk girls get at
I bet it pisses off the Lenape Indians when they see how many beads drunk girls get at Mardi Gras just for showing their tits.
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I tried to drop acid once, but got mixed up and took LDS instead.
I tried to drop acid once, but got mixed up and took LDS instead. Now I’ve got six wives and am spending all my time trying to recruit. BAD TRIP. /@rmfnord
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Life is constantly screwing with me.
Life is constantly screwing with me. The day before yesterday, it gave me lemons. Yesterday it gave me tequila. Then today it gave me Splenda. WTF am I supposed to do with Splenda?
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I wouldn’t object to being conscious during brain surgery, as long as someone told me
I wouldn’t object to being conscious during brain surgery, as long as someone told me where to cut.
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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back not to have a problem with something like that.
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One reason I like Halloween so much is that I really get off on the genuinely horrified
One reason I like Halloween so much is that I really get off on the genuinely horrified reaction from kids with my “sawing off my forearm with an electric carving knife” shtick — at least until I pass out from the voluminous loss of blood and all.
