I don’t think I could ever be “born again,” like some of those Evangelicals I see. I don’t remember much from the first time, but umbilical cords freak me out, and I seriously doubt my mom would go for it.
Tone: absurd
Absurd jokes, weird logic, surreal memes, and nonsense that somehow files taxes from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Your Chance of Getting Hit by Lightning
It’s silly to worry about storms.
Your chance of getting hit by lightning is exactly the same as your chance of getting hit by lightning.
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A Couple of Secs
A little girl runs out to the back-yard where her father is working, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc…. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams. He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He describes masturbation, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality, sex toys, etc., etc. The girl is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, “So what did you want to know about sex for?”
“Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”
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How Do You Like That
This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims “I can see his head!”
And sure enough, the baby peeks out. But then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in. After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in. A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees the father.
Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says, “How do you like that, mother fucker!??”
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Urine Test Results
A man comes to the hospital and says his elbow hurts.
The doctor tells him to take a urine test.
The man gets annoyed: “Doctor, why a urine test? My elbow hurts!”
The doctor replies: “You came here for treatment. If I said take the test, then take the test and stop arguing.”
The man goes home furious. Out of spite, he mixes together urine from his wife, daughter, mother-in-law, and cat, adds some water from the heating radiator, and even pours in some brake fluid from his car. Then he takes the whole mixture to the lab.
The next day he comes back for the results.
The doctor says: “Well, your cat is perfectly healthy, so no need to worry about her. Your heating system is fine too — no repairs needed anytime soon.
Your mother-in-law is developing a serious illness. She’ll need surgery, expensive and only available abroad.
Don’t worry about your daughter — her young, strong body, despite being thirteen, has successfully formed a fetus. It’s twins.
As for your wife — she’s had syphilis for about six months, and because of that she’s not sleeping with you. So you go jerk off in the bathroom, it’s cramped in there, you keep banging your elbow against the wall — that’s why your elbow hurts.”
The man stands up, completely stunned, and walks away.
The doctor shouts after him:
“And change your brake fluid while you’re at it — your left rear brake cylinder is leaking too!”
