Dentist: “You need to—”
Me: “I need to floss more.”
Dentist: “No, you need to get out of my house. It’s 2:30 a.m.”
Me…
Dentist…
Me: [muffled behind ski mask] “Tooth hurty a.m.”
Tone: absurd
Absurd jokes, weird logic, surreal memes, and nonsense that somehow files taxes from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
I Have a Gun and I Know How to Use It
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
-
I’ll Get Halfway Across and You’ll Turn the Light Off
Two crazy guys are planning to escape the asylum. One night, they climb onto the roof. Across from them is another building.
The first guy says, “I have my flashlight. I’ll turn it on, and you can walk across the beam of light to the other roof!”
The second guy shakes his head and says, “What do you think I am, crazy? I know what you’ll do… I’ll get halfway across, and you’ll turn the light off!”
-
The Same Place You Got That Train From
My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.
The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”
I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”
The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”
I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”
-
Wheres the Girl With the Rotten Tooth
A retired salesman named Pete gets stranded after his fishing boat capsizes in the Pacific.
After wandering for days, he stumbles onto a small island community whose longtime mayor has just passed away.
The town’s old preacher tells Pete that since he’s the first newcomer they’ve seen in years, he has to pass three challenges to be accepted as the new leader.
“Alright,” Pete says, brushing off his shirt, “just tell me what I’ve gotta do.”
The preacher walks him over to three little beach shacks and explains the rules.
“In the first shack, there are ten gallons of our homemade moonshine, and you have to drink every drop.”
“In the second shack, there’s a mean old gator with a rotten tooth, and you have to pull it out.”
“In the third shack, there’s the former mayor’s daughter, and you have to satisfy her completely.”
Pete nods and heads straight into the first shack.
Three hours later, he staggers out, swaying like a palm tree in a hurricane, and marches toward the second shack.
The preacher asks if he’d like to lie down for a spell, but Pete waves him off and disappears inside.
After a long stretch of growling, crashing, and splashing, Pete finally stumbles back out, scratched up, muddy, and bleeding.
He squints at the preacher and slurs, “Alright… now where’s the girl with the rotten tooth?”
-
The Jumping Table
A man walked into a small-town antique store looking for a dining table.
Right away, he spotted the perfect one and asked the owner how much it cost.
“Two thousand dollars,” the owner said.
“Two thousand? That’s outrageous!” the man replied.
“Normally I’d agree,” said the owner, “but this isn’t an ordinary table. It has special powers.”
“Special powers? Prove it,” the man said.
The owner leaned over the table and asked, “How many floors are in this building?”
The table suddenly hopped into the air four times.
And sure enough, there were four floors.
The man raised an eyebrow.
“Alright,” he said, “ask it how much cash I’ve got in my wallet.”
The owner asked the question.
The table jumped eleven times.
“That’s amazing!” the man said. “I’ve got two five-dollar bills and a single. That’s eleven dollars exactly. I’ll take it.”
He paid the two thousand dollars, and the table was delivered the next day.
While it was being set up, his buddy stopped by to see the new purchase.
“It’s not just a table,” the man said proudly. “Watch this.”
He cleared his throat and asked, “How much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
The table went wild.
It started bouncing up and down nonstop.
Five minutes passed.
Then ten.
It was still going.
The man stared in disbelief.
“How on earth does she have that much money?” he muttered.
Suddenly, the table gave one last violent jump.
Its legs split apart.
And the drawers dropped straight to the floor.
-
Virgil Won
Two old brothers — Hank and Earl — had a lifelong rivalry going with their neighbour Virgil, all three of them living in the same remote corner of northern Montana, where winters were the kind of cold that made your eyebrows hurt.
One February evening, the three of them were nursing drinks at the only bar in town, and the argument that started every year around this time broke out again.
“Boys,” said Hank, “I’m telling you right now — my place is the coldest in the county.”
“Ha,” said Earl. “You’ve never even spent a night in my cabin.”
Virgil just smiled into his glass and said nothing, which irritated the other two more than any boast could.
They agreed to end the argument once and for all. First stop was Hank’s place.
He led them to the porch, filled a tin cup with water from the tap, and flung it into the air. It hit the ground as a solid disc of ice.
“Not bad,” said Virgil. “Not bad at all.”
Earl just raised an eyebrow.
Over at Earl’s cabin, he stood in the doorway, drew a long slow breath, and let it out. The exhale left his mouth as a mist — and then clattered to the floor in a tiny frozen clump.
“Alright,” Hank admitted. “That’s cold.”
But Virgil still hadn’t said a word.
When they reached Virgil’s cabin, he didn’t take them to the porch or the doorway. He took them straight to the bedroom.
He pulled back the blankets on the bed and carefully lifted something out — a small, perfectly round ball of ice. He carried it to the kitchen, set it on a spoon, and held a lit match beneath it.
The three of them stood in silence, watching it slowly thaw.
And then, the moment it softened just enough —
“FFFAAAARRRRTTT!”
Virgil won.
