Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he’s the light of the world, I do it and I’m “making Thanksgiving awkward.”
Tone: absurd
Absurd jokes, weird logic, surreal memes, and nonsense that somehow files taxes from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Killing a Huge Mouse at Disneyland
Me: *Kills a huge mouse with a baseball bat*
Everyone else at Disneyland:
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Basketball Teams Could Score More Points Together
if both basketball teams just worked together they could score so many more points
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Muslim Band And Mexican Mall
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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Pillsbury Funerals Cremation Services
Nothing says lovin’ like something warm from the oven lol…. Woohoo
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Putin’s Driver and the Pig
Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.
“What happened to you?” asked Putin.
“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.
The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
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Dinner with the Girlfriend’s Parents
A man is invited to his girlfriend’s home for dinner to meet her family. He purchases a motorcycle the day of the dinner for an amazingly low price. The man selling the motorcycle throws in a free tub of Vaseline with the purchase. He tells the buyer that he is selling it for such a low price because this particular motorcycle can’t have a wet carburetor. The moment there is a hint of rain, it must be covered in Vaseline. The buyer agrees and can’t wait to show up at his girlfriend’s parents’ home riding a motorcycle.
She warns him that her family has an unusual dinner tradition: the first person to speak must do all the dishes. He thinks it’s odd but agrees to the dinner.
He drives up to the house and puts the tub of Vaseline in his pocket and goes to the door. His girlfriend opens the door and whispers to him that dinner has already begun and he must remain silent or else do all of the dishes. He walks past the kitchen and sees what looks like a week of dirty dishes piled up. He certainly is not going to speak first and be stuck with that mess.
He sits down and sees a family eating dinner with their heads down, eating in complete silence. He decides he can get someone to speak. He throws his girlfriend on the dinner table and has his way with her. Nobody even looks up.
He then throws the mother on the table and has his way with her. Again, nobody even looks up from their plate.
Just then, a loud clap of thunder rattles the house. Remembering about the motorcycle, the boyfriend reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tub of Vaseline.
The father stands up and says, “Okay, I’ll do the dishes!”
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The Priest and the Lion in Africa
A priest is sent to deepest Africa to convert the natives.
He clears out an area for his camp and builds a hut of sticks for shelter. His only entertainment is the Bible and his violin. Before he retires for the night he builds a fire and sits down near it and plays his violin.
Shortly afterwards he notices that a few animals begin to surround his camp and seem to enjoy the music. As time goes by he builds a large audience of critters every evening.
One night an old lion walks into the clearing and looks around slowly. When he notices the priest he leaps on him and quickly devours the poor clergyman.
A hyena rushes up to the lion and asks him, “Why did you do that, all of us loved his music, we listened every night and it relaxed us so much. Now he is gone. Why? Why?”
The lion cocked his head toward the hyena, put his paw behind his ear and hollered, “WHAT?”
