What has one leg and licks balls?
My amputee girlfriend.
Tone: crude humor
Crude humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Flappuccino
What is the female equivalent of teabagging?
A flappuccino.
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Mirror Mirror
I want to have sex with someone who’s as attractive as I am.
That’s why I always masturbate in front of a mirror.
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A Friendly Reminder
A friendly reminder: anal sex requires no less than a butt load of lubricant.
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Amish Rowboating
Do Amish boyfriends rowboat the girlfriend’s titties?
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The Ultimate Rejection
What’s the ultimate rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
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Fixing the boat
Plugging the hole in the row boat with my penis wasn’t a bad idea, but forgetting to take out my piercing barbell *was* — although the bass didn’t seem to think so.
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Souble Standards
When I’m sitting in a restaurant with a date and she asks, “Do you mind if I smoke?” I always feel like saying, “No, but do you mind if I sit here beside you and discreetly masturbate under the tablecloth?”
Regrettably, I never do, since by the time she gets around to asking about the cigarette, I’m usually half finished and have no intention of stopping anyway.
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Speeding Ticket for a Stretching Job!
The Rectum Stretcher
There was a middle-aged blonde lady speeding down the highway in a red sports car. She accelerated while crossing a bridge, figuring she didn’t have to worry about speed traps.
At the end of the bridge, there was a cop hidden behind a bunch of bushes. His radar gun tagged her at 95 mph. He pulled her over, walked up to the car, and asked, “What’s the hurry?”
She said, “I’m late to work.”
The cop asked, “What do you do?”
The lady responded, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”
The cop chuckled, winked at her, and asked, “Now just what in the hell does a rectum stretcher do?”
Without missing a beat, she took the opportunity to explain. “Our clients come into our office wanting their rectum stretched. We lube up their assholes until we can get two fingers in there, then we wiggle those fingers around and stretch it until we can get our entire hand inside.”
The cop was in disbelief at this point and let his mouth drop open. Disgusted but intrigued, he continued to listen.
She continued, “After we get back from lunch and the patients have had some time to rest, we put our hands back in their butthole and continue the back-and-forth stretching until we can get both hands inside. Once that’s accomplished, we proceed to stretch their rectum until it’s about six feet long!”
The cop, disheveled and in disbelief, raised his voice and said, “COME ON, LADY! NOW JUST WHAT IN THE HELL WOULD YOU DO WITH A SIX-FOOT ASSHOLE?”
She replied, “You give it a radar gun and stick it behind a bridge.”
