Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A man went to the doctor’s. The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like. The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs $30,000.00.”
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again.”
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized Christmas was coming up and he had not yet purchased his daughter a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
The overwhelmed man asked, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious!” said the sales clerk. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, and Ken’s furniture.”
My wife walked in on me watching Internet porn so I quickly switched to a YouTube video on tennis.
As she left the room she said, “Turn it back to the porn, you already know how to play tennis.”
