I’m really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.
Tone: darkly humorous
Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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What the Engineer Says (What It Really Means)
A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)Major technological breakthrough.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)We’ll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)Please read and initial.
(Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)Give us your interpretation.
(I can’t wait to hear this!)See me or Let’s Discuss.
(Come into my office, I’m lonely.)All new!
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)Rugged
(Too heavy to lift!)Lightweight
(Lighter than rugged.)Years of development
(One finally worked.)Energy saving
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)Low maintenance
(Impossible to fix if broken.) -
I’ll Show You How
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”
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Corporate Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself — “Where the hell is the ceiling?”
12. My reality check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don’t suffer from stress — I’m a carrier…
15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
16. Don’t meddle in the affairs of dragons, ’cuz, like, you’re crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo…
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
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Memo from Supervisor to Staff
Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot.
Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo from Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to Staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.
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Detailed Deductions
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks and related deductions. What could be more fitting in this “tax time” time of year, when we tend to focus on such matters most?
Example:
Gross pay = $1,222.02
Income tax = $244.40
Outcome tax = $45.21
State tax = $11.61
Interstate tax = $61.10
County tax = $6.11
City tax = $12.22
Rural tax = $4.44
Back tax = $1.11
Front tax = $1.16
Side tax = $1.61
Up tax = $2.22
Tic-tacs = $1.98
Thumbtacks = $3.93
Carpet tacks = $0.98
Stadium tax = $0.69
Flat tax = $8.32
Surtax = $3.46
Corporate tax = $2.60
Parking fee = $5.00
FICA = $81.88
TGIF fund = $9.95
Life insurance = $5.85
Health insurance = $16.23
Dental insurance = $4.50
Mental insurance = $4.33
Reassurance = $0.11
Disability = $2.50
Ability = $0.25
Liability = $3.41
Unreliability = $10.99
Coffee = $6.85
Coffee cups = $66.51
Floor rental = $6.85
Chair rental = $0.32
Desk rental = $4.32
Union dues = $5.85
Union don’ts = $3.77
Cash advance = $0.69
Cash retreats = $121.35
Overtime = $1.26
Undertime = $54.83
Eastern time = $9.00
Central time = $8.00
Mountain time = $7.00
Pacific time = $6.00
Oxygen = $10.02
Water = $16.54
Heat = $51.42
Cool air = $26.83
Hot air = $20.00
Miscellaneous = $113.29
Various = $8.01Net Pay = $0.12
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should go to Helen Waite. Have a nice week.
—The Boss
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Laid Off the Rower
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
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Prepare Three Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.
The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.
The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
