Tone: darkly humorous

Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Removing It From the Church

    What’s the hardest part of being an organ donor?

    Removing it from the church.

  • Holiday Traditions We Actually Need Most

    The Top 12 Holiday Traditions We Desperately Need

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    12. Christmas Card Photoshop Day, thus rendering the family as semi-presentable to the general public.

    11. “Touched by an Angel” coulda made us a Hanukah special, I’m just sayin’.

    10. Being able to punch people who brag about being done with holiday shopping before December 20th.

    9. Family gathered around the Yuletide table, together agreeing, “‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ SUCKED.”

    8. Making Yule logs out of compressed and dried members of your Congressional delegation.

    7. To save time, movie theater concession stands will serve Chinese food.

    6. Egg nog car wash.

    5. We really should call that “footballey-eatey” day before Black Friday something special.

    4. Christmas bramble-themed decorating where all the tangled lights can just be dumped on the front lawn.

    3. Living Nativity entirely comprised of chimpanzees.

    2. A red Christmas ball gag for that loud, annoying relative who just won’t shut up about the President’s birth certificate.

    And the Number One Holiday Tradition We Desperately Need…

    1. Mistletoe is for kissing. So let’s raise the stakes a little under the “Cameltoe.”

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  • Ugly and Poor

    Women call me ugly only until they find how much I make.

    Then they call me ugly and poor!!

  • Roland D-50

    Roland D-50

    Roland D-50

  • Alive With the Sound of Muzak

    Nothing sours my holiday mood like surly people at the mall, especially ones who are unimpressed by my jubilant proclamation that my groin is alive with the sound of Muzak.

  • Office Profanity Code System Hilariously Revealed

    Interoffice Memo

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    It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

    OLD PHRASE | NEW PHRASE

    No fucking way. | I’m not certain that’s feasible.

    You’ve got to be shitting me? | Really?

    Tell someone who gives a shit. | Perhaps you should check with:

    Ask me if I give a shit. | Of course I’m concerned.

    It’s not my fucking problem. | I wasn’t involved in that project.

    What the fuck? | Interesting behavior:

    Fuck it, it won’t work. | I’m not sure I can implement this.

    Why the fuck didn’t they tell me sooner? | I’ll try to reschedule that.

    When the fuck do you expect me to do this? | Perhaps I can work late?

    Who the fuck cares. | Are you sure it’s a problem?

    He’s got his head up his ass. | He’s not familiar with the problem.

    Eat shit. | You don’t say?

    Eat shit and die. | Excuse me?

    Eat shit and die motherfucker. | Excuse me, sir?

    What the fuck do they want from me? | They weren’t happy with it?

    Kiss my ass. | So, would you like my help with that?

    Fuck it, I’m on salary. | I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

    Shove it up your ass. | I don’t think you understand.

    This job sucks shit. | I love a challenge.

    Who the hell died and made you boss? | You want me to take care of this?

    Blow me. | I see.

    Blow yourself. | Do you see?

    Another fucking meeting? | Yes, we should discuss this.

    I don’t really give a shit. | I don’t think it will be a problem.

    He’s fucking retarded. | He’s confused.

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  • Best-Selling Children’s Author

    If I were a best-selling children’s author, I’d write a book about how these cool little kids and their cute woodland friends made Santa very happy by taking all the money out of Mommy’s wallet and mailing it to my PO Box.

  • Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work

    While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

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    1. It’s an incentive to show up.

    2. It reduces stress.

    3. It leads to more honest communications.

    4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

    5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers from the night before with another drink.

    6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

    7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

    8. It encourages carpooling.

    9. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.

    10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

    11. It makes fellow employees look better.

    12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

    13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

    14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

    15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

    16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas party.

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  • Glitch in the Matrix

    The stunning advances in technology witnessed over the last few years make me believe that anything is possible, however unfathomable. Nonetheless, I wasn’t able to convince my girlfriend that her seeing me in bed with another woman was simply a glitch in the Matrix.

  • Toxic Waste Pipeline Through a Recreational Area

    Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It had to be a mechanical engineer — look at all the joints.”

    Another said, “No, it had to be an electrical engineer. The nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections.”

    The third said, “Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?”

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