Tone: darkly humorous

Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

If zombies survived by eating genitalia instead of brains, I’ll

If zombies survived by eating genitalia instead of brains, I’ll bet there would be more than a few living guys who, when faced with an imminent attack, would consider it, then say, “What the hell…”
My girlfriend is all pissed off because I ruined her Mickey

My girlfriend is all pissed off because I ruined her Mickey Mouse bobblehead. I maintain that with all that alcohol in my system, it looked exactly like a butt plug.
The thing I find so disgusting about airport bathrooms is you

The thing I find so disgusting about airport bathrooms is you have no idea how many people have smeared a sheen of their semen on the toilet seat before you did.
“Holy throbbing clit, Batman!” was apparently the wrong way to

“Holy throbbing clit, Batman!” was apparently the wrong way to express my excitement at Macy’s children’s shoe sale.
I’m not saying my boyfriend’s penis is small, but that’s only

I’m not saying my boyfriend’s penis is small, but that’s only because he’s probably heard it his entire life and I don’t want him to feel bad.
Sometimes when I’m having sex with my girlfriend, I imagine that

Sometimes when I’m having sex with my girlfriend, I imagine that I’m with another woman. Then again, so does she.
You know that feeling you’ve experienced something before, only

You know that feeling you’ve experienced something before, only it’s not *exactly* the same as you remember? Well the prostitute told me we should call it a “déjà do-over,” right before she noted that when we were college classmates together, she was a man.
My stupid boyfriend will do anything I dare him to, including

My stupid boyfriend will do anything I dare him to, including taking off his bathing suit at the public pool and showing everyone his junk. It was pretty damned funny until the cops showed up, at which point I totally denied he was my boyfriend. Hey, I don’t want to be with anyone stupid enough to do that kind of shit just because I dare him.
“Slowly Encroaching Chocolate” is a level on Candy Crush Saga.

“Slowly Encroaching Chocolate” is a level on Candy Crush Saga. It’s also a pretty fair descriptor for the state of my underwear.
(b0nrmunky) When I got exhausted keeping up with my girlfriend’s

(b0nrmunky) When I got exhausted keeping up with my girlfriend’s desire for sex, she suggested bringing other guys into the bedroom to help, and I agreed. The problem is that she goes through so many of them, I get exhausted just watching.