My hand right after I wake up in the morning:
On my way woody!
Tone: relatable
Relatable humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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How’s It Hangin
If you ever make the grueling trek to speak to the wise old man who lives at the top of the mountain and he lets you ask one question of him, don’t make the mistake I did and blurt out, “How’s it hangin’?”
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Slow Morning Romance
I like my mornings to be slow and quiet. I want the day to romance me a bit before it tries to fuck me.
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Cat LinkedIn Reality
Reality: I poop in the litter box myself.
LinkedIn: Independently executes a self-sanitation protocol, expertly managing bio-waste in designated litter facilities. Maintains exceptional personal hygiene and cleanliness, contributing to a well-ordered and harmonious home environment.
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IT Guys Such Dicks
Why are IT guys such dicks?
Last week I drove two hours to push the power button on a server that three separate people assured me was already on.
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Dad’s Terrible Timing With Life’s Harsh Truths
Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
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Toilet-Training Transferability
As I watched my two-year-old drag his naked bottom across the carpet, I realized that perhaps I overestimated the transferability of the toilet-training skills I had initially honed with our puppies.
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Insufficient Funds ATM
I think banks should do a better job by keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fifth one I’ve been to, kept saying “insufficient funds” 🙄😐
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When Hunger Beats Romance Every Single Time
I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend’s wife came out to feed them.
The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself, “Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry.”
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Stimulus Check Midget Hookers
Me when I realize I should have used my stimulus check on bills instead of midget hookers with pink wigs
Someday I’ll learn.
