Tone: Sarcastic

Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

Regarding being accused of masturbating in the shower: I can

Regarding being accused of masturbating in the shower: I can tell you that the fact my wife’s conditioner looks like semen has bailed me out on more than one occasion.
During my sermon last Sunday, there was lots of screaming,

During my sermon last Sunday, there was lots of screaming, shitting and masturbating. Last time I preach to monkeys at the zoo.
I gave my neighbor a bottle of wine when she moved in, and for a

I gave my neighbor a bottle of wine when she moved in, and for a goodbye gift I’m throwing an expired Lean Cuisine onto her lawn as I drive the fuck away.
I hope people don’t talk about me behind my back as I do to

I hope people don’t talk about me behind my back as I do to them. But I’m pretty sure they won’t point at *me*, “That Trump is an asshole!”
Settle an argument: When a friend breaks her arm, it’s the other

Settle an argument: When a friend breaks her arm, it’s the other friend’s responsibility to draw a giant penis and balls on the cast, right?
They call it a smoothie but it’s got chunks in it. This is bullshit

They call it a smoothie but it’s got chunks in it. This is bullshit!
Take some handsome Canadian teen and give him all the money and

Take some handsome Canadian teen and give him all the money and pussy he wants when he’s 16 and get all surprised when he turns out a dick.
I can say “Go die in a fire, you piece of trash” but not “I

I can say “Go die in a fire, you piece of trash” but not “I fucking love these Froot Loops.”
We censor bad words, not bad intentions

We censor bad words, not bad intentions.
You know what’s a stupid color? Orange. It’s like red and yellow

You know what’s a stupid color? Orange. It’s like red and yellow had a deformed little abortion. Fuck you, orange.