Witty Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

I tell people to have a nice fucking day, unless they’re one of

I tell people to have a nice fucking day, unless they’re one of my pornstar friends. Then I like to tell them to have a nice day fucking.

My application to join the Astronaut Wives Club was rejected.

My application to join the Astronaut Wives Club was rejected. It’s all fucking politics.

Weird how people always say something bad smells like raw

Weird how people always say something bad smells like raw sewage, as if cooked sewage doesn’t smell like shit.

The theme of every fair or carnival with rides and fixed games

The theme of every fair or carnival with rides and fixed games should be “Fucking with Physics.”

You can tell how puritanical this country is by the fact that

You can tell how puritanical this country is by the fact that Hallmark doesn’t make a “Happy Felllated Birthday” card.

GODDAMMIT PAUL SIMON ARE YOU A ROCK OR ARE YOU AN ISLAND? MAKE

GODDAMMIT PAUL SIMON ARE YOU A ROCK OR ARE YOU AN ISLAND? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!

Regarding being accused of masturbating in the shower: I can

Regarding being accused of masturbating in the shower: I can tell you that the fact my wife’s conditioner looks like semen has bailed me out on more than one occasion.

Dance in the School for the Blind’s talent show like nobody’s

Dance in the School for the Blind’s talent show like nobody’s watching.

“GIVE ME MORE BALLS!” -me, playing this Arkanoid game

Settle an argument: When a friend breaks her arm, it’s the other

Settle an argument: When a friend breaks her arm, it’s the other friend’s responsibility to draw a giant penis and balls on the cast, right?

Tone: witty