Why did the woman bring a remote control to the lake?
She was watching a live stream.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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He had squatter’s rights
Why didn’t the personal trainer get kicked out of his apartment?
He had squatter’s rights.
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Don’t Worry, It’s Just the Drums!
The Drums, the Drums!
Two intrepid explorers are navigating up a remote river in Africa with the assistance of some native bearers.
The first night, around the fire, the sound of drums can be heard in the distance. The explorers are clearly discomfited by the sound, but the natives tell them to relax—it’s not a big deal.
The following night, the drums can be heard again, only much closer and louder. The explorers think this can’t be good and are visibly shaken. Again, the bearers tell them to calm down, that the drums are harmless.
The third night, the drums are louder still, and the explorers are barely keeping it together. Suddenly…the drums stop.
Now it is the bearers who are quaking, trembling in terror. When the explorers ask them the reason for this, the leader says, in a quavering voice,
“Very bad! When drums stop, bass solo begins!”
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Heavenly Rewards for Marital Honesty!
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is processing new entrants to heaven, but heaven is a fair distance away.
Peter asks the man at the front of the line, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”
The man replies, “I have never cheated on my wife.”
St. Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Lamborghini,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Peter asks the next man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Once, but I felt really guilty about it.”
Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Suzuki Sidekick,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Peter asks the third man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Oh, it’s not even funny how many times I cheated on my wife.”
Peter replies, “Okay, you get a motor scooter,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Soon, the Suzuki Sidekick driver runs into the Lamborghini driver, who’s crying while pulled over to the side of the road. He asks what’s wrong, and the Lamborghini driver replies, “I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!”
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A slipper
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper.
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We don’t want any kids
My wife and I have decided we don’t want any kids.
We’re going to tell them in the morning.
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It definitely wouldn’t be this one
I saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot.
He noticed me looking at him and said, “He’s mine. I’m not stealing him or anything.”
Before I could reply, he added, “If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole.”
