Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Worms, Wagers, and Wily Whippersnappers!

    A boy and his grandfather were digging in the backyard when the grandfather pulled a long earthworm out of the dirt.

    The boy says, “Hey, Grandpa. I bet you five bucks I can put that worm right back in the ground.”

    “No way that’s possible,” says the grandfather. “You’re on.”

    The kid goes inside, gets a can of hairspray, and sprays the length of the earthworm, which goes completely stiff. He takes it between his fingers and slides the worm right back into its burrow.

    The grandfather shakes his head and, with an “I’ll be damned,” hands the kid a five-dollar bill and heads inside.

    After a while, he comes back out to the yard and hands the kid a five-dollar bill.

    “Grandpa,” the kid says, “you already paid me.”

    “I know,” the grandfather replies. “That’s from Grandma.”

  • Free of charge

    The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

    They gave me another one, free of charge.

  • Grateful Skin: A Love Story!

    A man’s face is badly burned in a fire.

    The doctors decide he needs a skin graft to restore his face, but he is so thin that he has no excess skin of his own for the operation. So they use skin from his wife’s bottom.

    The operation is a complete success. His face looks like it did before the fire.

    Several months go by, and the man is still thanking his wife profusely for the sacrifice she made.

    Finally, she says to him, “You don’t have to keep thanking me. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

  • Just a figure of speech

    My friend asked me to say a few words at his wife’s funeral, so I stepped up to the podium, cleared my throat, and said, “Curvy, shapely, voluptuous, generously proportioned, full-figured…”

    He stopped me and said, “Dude, what are you saying??”

    I replied, “Sorry… it was just a figure of speech.”

  • It didn’t have any engineers

    Why couldn’t the engine hear?

    It didn’t have any engineers.

  • Ken came in a different box

    Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
    Because Ken came in a different box.

  • Every year it’s Dublin

    Ireland’s capital is the fastest-growing city.
    Every year it’s Dublin.

  • Blondes and the Mystery of Shoulders

    Two blondes were on an elevator.

    Then a man got on. One blonde says to the other, “Wow, that guy has bad dandruff. Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.”

    The other one says, “How do you give shoulders?”

  • Can I join you?

    A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables, and asks:

    “Can I join you?”