Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Bagel Escape? Lox To The Rescue!

    How do you keep your bagel from getting away?
    You put lox on it.

  • Eyes Wide Open: A Unique Surgery Success

    Went to school with a guy who was born without eyelids. He underwent surgery where they circumcised him and used the foreskin to create natural looking eyelids. The operation was a success.

    He still looks a little cockeyed though.

  • Making Every Second Count in Toyland!

    I just got a job making toy Dracula dolls.
    There’s only 1 other employee, so I have to make every second count.

  • Sikh Sense: Intuition at Its Best!

    What do you call someone in India with great intuition?
    Sikh sense.

  • Secrets Whispered: Conspiracy Theories Await!

    I went to the library and asked the librarian where I could find books about conspiracy theories. She leaned over and whispered:
    “They are right behind you.”

  • Time Travelers Not Welcome Here!

    A bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”

    A time traveler walks into a bar.

  • Wasted Opportunity: The Lawyer Bus Joke

    What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with one empty seat?

    A wasted opportunity.

  • Lawyers vs. Catfish: A Scummy Comparison!

    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

    One is a lowdown scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

  • Nobody likes lawyers

    A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see jogging on the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer jogging along the street, he would swerve to hit him. After hearing the loud “THUD,” he would swerve back on the road.

    One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up

    The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. “Surely I can’t run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!” he thought.

    Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. The driver pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard that satisfying “Thud.”

    “Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?” the truck driver asked, pretending to wake up suddenly.

    “No,” said the priest. “But I got him with the door.”

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  • Stairs: Always Up to Something!

    I don’t trust stairs.

    They’re always up to something.