A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Horseshoe Versus Whore’s Shoe: Times Have Changed
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.
In my day, grumbled Gramps, we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes.
But grandpa, replied the grandson, that is a whore’s shoe.
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Call the Exterminator
Sometimes I look outside my window and think, “Those people look like ants from here.” But then I realize I live on the first floor, and I really need to call the exterminator.
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Missile Sites Happy to See Him
As the F-14 screamed through the desert air, the pilot eyed the rising launcher ramps and wondered yet again if the missile sites were a genuine threat or merely happy to see him.
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Expensive Penis Research Reaches Obvious Conclusions
University of North Carolina sex researchers wanted to find out why the head of a man’s penis generally is wider than the shaft. After six years of study costing $950,000, the researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis generally is wider than the shaft because it gave the man more pleasure.
Mills researchers read the report and didn’t agree, so they conducted their own study. It took a year and cost $975,000. The Mills researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis generally is wider than the shaft because it gave the woman more pleasure.
A Harvard researcher read both reports and decided to conduct his own research. Working alone, his study took a week and cost 75 cents. His conclusion: The head of a man’s penis generally is wider than the shaft to keep his hand from flying off.
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Free Psychic Reading
When I responded to an ad for a free psychic reading, she told me I was the type of person who wants something for nothing. How could she possibly know that?
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Grandpa’s Sexual Decline Through the Years
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time…and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year…maybe on your anniversary.”
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well, how about you and Grandma now?”
His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex.”
“What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.
“Well,” Grandpa said, “she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, ‘Screw You,’ and I holler back, ‘Screw You too!’”
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Giant Robotic Parrot
If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that my idea for melting down coins to make a giant robotic parrot was a bad idea, I would have one kickass giant robotic parrot.
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Panties on the Ceiling
Melissa came home late from her date. She was tired, so on her way to her bedroom she threw her coat over a dining room chair, threw her purse into the kitchen table, and just threw her clothes all over her bedroom floor without a care.
Next morning at breakfast her mother asked if she had a good time last night.
“Oh yeah” she said, “the best ever”
“I thought so” said mom, “your panties are still stuck to the ceiling”
