Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Engineering Interview

    Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.?

    Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

    Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?

    Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.

    Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?

    Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.

    Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?

    Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)

    Interviewer: Stop! Stop!

    Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

    Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?

    Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.

    Interviewer: Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?

    Student: See, a capacitor is like this —“~~”—, OK. DC comes straight, like this ——————————, and the capacitor stops it. But AC goes UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!

    Interviewer: What is a step-up transformer?

    Student: A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.

    Interviewer (smiling): And then what is a step-down transformer?

    Student (hesitantly): Uh — a transformer that is put in the basement or in a pit?

    Interviewer (pouncing): Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?

    Interviewer (impatiently): Well?

    Student (triumphantly): A stepless transformer, sir!

  • Engineer Humor

    Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
    A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.

    Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
    A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.

    Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
    A: Their personalities.

    Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
    A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

    Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
    A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

    Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
    A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

  • Corporate Words of Wisdom

    1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.

    2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

    3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

    4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

    5. Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

    6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

    7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

    8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

    9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

    10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

    11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself — “Where the hell is the ceiling?”

    12. My reality check bounced.

    13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

    14. I don’t suffer from stress — I’m a carrier…

    15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!

    16. Don’t meddle in the affairs of dragons, ’cuz, like, you’re crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

    17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo…

    18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

  • Memo from Supervisor to Staff

    Memo from Director General to Manager:

    Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot.

    Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

    Memo from Manager to Department Head:

    Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

    The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

    Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

    The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

    Memo from Floor Manager to Supervisor:

    Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

    Memo from Supervisor to Staff:

    Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.

  • You Gotta Fax Your Ass to Corporate

    This one is supposed to be a true story, told by a co-worker.

    Any of you have those square electronic keys you press against a pad to open the building door? I worked at a relatively high-security building which had electronic locks. A thick plastic card pressed against the door pad unlocks the door so you can enter. Most of us guys kept the card in our back pocket and just pressed our ass against the pad to unlock the door.

    A temporary worker was hired and we were surprised (and happy) to find that it was a young woman. Her first few days went by and one of us always happened to be nearby when she wanted in. I walked up one day and caught her rubbing her ass against the door pad — which didn’t unlock the door, since she didn’t have a card.

    As I pressed my butt against the pad to let us both in, I told her, “You gotta fax your ass to corporate before you can get in this way.”

  • Consequences of Anal Sex

    Consequences of Anal Sex

    “I warned you about the consequences of all that anal sex in the 60s!”

  • I Need to Talk to Someone Who Knows Something

    Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. “What’s your job there?” the caller asked me.

    “I’m the president,” I replied.

    There was a pause. Then he said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.”

  • A Real State

    A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check.

    The clerk asked for her driver’s license.

    She presented her West Virginia driver’s license and the clerk grabbed it away from her and scoffed, “If you’re going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!”

    A manager was required to verify West Virginia’s statehood.

  • Prepare Three Envelopes

    A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

    Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

    The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.

    The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

    The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

  • Five People Have Jobs Worse Than Yours

    The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository. The ten-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

    Administering the daily medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

    Why am I telling you this? Just think — five people have jobs worse than yours!