My girlfriend is all pissed off because I ruined her Mickey Mouse bobblehead. I maintain that with all that alcohol in my system, it looked exactly like a butt plug.
Topic: alcohol
Drinking jokes, bar memes, hangover disasters, and booze-powered bad ideas from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Most people don’t know Santa Claus has a half brother, Ralph
Most people don’t know Santa Claus has a half brother, Ralph Claus, who brings heart-beating-through-yourasshole hangovers on December 26th.
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The Sting Operation
Did you guys hear about the worldwide sting operation on people who mix drinks?
Many of them are behind bars right now.
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What Do They Have in Common
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
Someone forgot to take it out.
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She slowly came around
Last night at the airport, there was a woman totally passed out on the baggage carousel.
She slowly came around.
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I wouldn’t have to pay so much
The zoo should be open 24 hours a day. That way, when I’m drunk at 3 a.m. and feel like seeing a monkey, I wouldn’t have to pay so much.
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Recruit a few disciples
When I face a problem, I stop and ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” It works. Drinking wine, sitting around talking, drinking more wine, telling parables, drinking more wine, and talking to God really does pretty much solve any problem I have. Now if only I could recruit a few disciples.
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Kick his ass at Quarters
You know that guy who keeps winning every day on the game show “Jeopardy!”? Betcha I could kick his ass at Quarters. Ha! Take another shot, pencil neck!
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One less drunk
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk! -
It was a draft
Somebody threw a beer at Donald Trump today.
Don’t worry, it was a draft—he was able to dodge it.
