Topic: alcohol

Drinking jokes, bar memes, hangover disasters, and booze-powered bad ideas from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • The Irishman and the Ten Pint Bet

    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and shouts, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers! I’ll put down $500 to anyone who can drink 10 pints back-to-back!”

    The entire pub goes silent. Nobody moves.

    Then one Irishman quietly stands up and walks straight out the door.

    About 30 minutes later, he returns, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, “That bet still good?”

    “Sure is!” the Texan says.

    The bartender lines up ten pints — full glasses from one end of the bar to the other.

    Without a blink, the Irishman downs all 10 pints in a row and slams the last one down like a champion.

    The bar erupts with cheers. The Texan pays the $500 — totally stunned.

    He asks, “If you don’t mind me askin’, where’d you run off to for that half hour?”

    The Irishman grins, “Oh, I just popped down to the pub around the corner to see if I could do it first.”

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  • Before the Crowbar Was Invented

    True fact:

    Before the crowbar was invented…
    …most crows drank at home.

  • Four Deviants in a Bar

    A sadist, zoophile, necrophile and masochist meet in a bar…

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    Sadist: “We should get ourselves a chicken and kill it!”

    Zoophile: “We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, and then kill it!”

    Necrophile: “We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, kill it, and then have sex with it again!”

    Masochist: “BWAK BOK BOK BOK”

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  • What Do You Have On

    A woman sits down next to a man in a bar and says, “You smell good. What do you have on?”

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    And the man says, “I have a hard-on but I didn’t know you could smell it.”

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  • Clarence Buys a Cheap Suit

    Clarence goes downtown to buy an inexpensive, or rather, a cheap suit.

    He goes into one store and every suit is $50 as is. The closest one to his size had the right leg 3 inches longer than the left one and the left jacket sleeve was three inches longer than the right.

    The store owner commented, “You can’t expect much for $50. But here is what you do. As you walk around in the suit, hike up your right hip so the pant legs will look the same size. Do the same thing with your left shoulder and the sleeves will look OK.”

    Clarence agrees and starts to walk to his car. As he does, he passes two ministers walking with one another.

    After they pass, one of the ministers says to the other, “Wow, it must be difficult for him to walk around.”

    “I know, but his suit fits perfectly.”

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  • A Bird With Long Legs and a Tight Pussy

    A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat in tow. They take a seat and the man orders a round of drinks. The barman serves the guy but doesn’t say anything — just watches the guy with his ostrich and cat intently.

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    A small argument breaks out between the man and the cat, with the cat flatly refusing to buy a round. So the man relents and goes to the bar, and the barman, his curiosity piqued, asks, “Hey mate, what’s with the ostrich and the cat?”

    The guy replies, “Well, I was walking down the street and I came across a magic lamp, so I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and granted me one wish.”

    The barman, fascinated, listens intently as the guy continues his story: “So with my one wish, I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”

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  • Turn It Around

    A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple.

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    Confused, the man says, “Bartender, I would like the drink.” The bartender shakes his head no and says, “Just eat the apple.”

    The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says, “Wow, this tastes like vodka!” and the bartender says, “Turn it around.” So the man turns the apple around and takes another bite and says, “This side tastes like orange juice!” and he walks away eating the rest of the apple.

    A few minutes later he asks the bartender for another drink. “I would like a Mimosa,” he says. The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the man another apple. Tired of apples, the man asks for the drink again and the bartender refuses and tells him to just eat the apple. He takes a bite and again to his surprise the apple tastes like champagne. “Wow, this is a cool trick!” The bartender again tells the man, “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around, takes another bite and again it’s orange juice!

    A few minutes go by and the man approaches the bar heavy in thought. He says to the bartender, “You know, if we can make these apples taste like pussy we could be rich!” The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the man another apple. “No way!” says the man as he mouth-wateringly takes a huge bite out of the apple. Almost immediately he spits apple chunks everywhere and on the verge of vomiting he yells at the bartender, “This apple tastes like SHIT!”

    And so the bartender said, “Turn it around.”

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  • The Lesbian Bar With No Fire Exits

    A guy walks into a bar.

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    He sits down at the counter and orders himself a beer. As he’s drinking it, he starts looking around the barroom. He sees the tables, the dance floor, the wall pictures, and other typical bar stuff, but something feels a bit off to him about this place. He takes another quick look around at all of the women dancing, chatting, and having a good time. Then it finally dawns on him.

    This lesbian bar had no fire exits.

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  • A Frayed Knot

    A string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, “We don’t serve strings.”

    The string is annoyed and leaves the bar. Maybe he misheard? He walks back in and orders a drink. “Didn’t you hear? We don’t serve strings!”

    Mad as hell, the string walks outside and throws himself angrily on the floor, swaying in every direction and dragging himself around.

    He walks back into the bar, where the bartender looks at him, dubious…

    “Hey, are you a string?”

    “No, I’m a frayed knot!”

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  • How Many Bars Do You Work At

    A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I can’t serve you, you’ve had too much already.”

    The man sighs, leaves through the front door, walks around the corner, and enters through the side door. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, “Look, buddy, I told you five minutes ago I can’t serve you.”

    The man leaves again, walks around the block, and comes in through the back door. He approaches the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eye, and asks for a drink.

    The bartender slams his hand on the counter and yells, “I told you, you’re cut off! Get out!”

    The man looks at him in utter disbelief and says, “My god, man, just how many bars do you work at?!”

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