Topic: humor

  • Vacation Name Game: The Ultimate Brain Teaser

    A husband is talking to his friend about the vacation he and his wife just got back from.

    “Hoh, you should have seen this place, it was absolutely gorgeous!” the husband says.

    “Where did you go?” the friend asks.

    “Well… it had this beautiful beach just outside the hotel, the sand was almost bright white!”

    “But what was the place called?”

    “Umm… it had a huge swimming pool, and a spa and everything.”

    “Yes, but what was the name of the place?”

    “Hang on, it’s at the tip of my tongue… something flowery. Name a flower.”

    “Rose?”

    “No, not rose… something else.”

    “Tulip?”

    “No, keep going.”

    “Lily?”

    “Lily! That’s it!” He turns to his wife. “Hey, Lily! What was the name of that place?”

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  • Who Deserves the Promotion? A Tough Choice!

    The president of a major company had three secretaries he wanted to promote, but there was only one position available.
    The first secretary was a Stanford graduate who developed a strategy to cut unnecessary spending and increased company profits by 28%.

    The second was a single mother of three — kind, warm, and beloved by employees and customers alike. She made everyone feel welcome and valued.

    The third was quick-witted, knew the company’s operations inside and out, and could deliver anything needed at a moment’s notice — fast, efficient, and flawless.

    After careful and deliberate consideration, the president decided to promote the secretary with the biggest tits.

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  • Age Gap: Pregnancy and the Leopard Chase!

    A man in his late seventies has a wife fifty years younger than him. Every year he goes to his doctor for an body check. One year, he tells his doctor “Hey doc! Look at my wife! Isn’t she pretty? Guess what? I got her pregnant!”

    Upon hearing that, the serious doctor looked up from his clipboard. He replied, “You remind me of my friend John, when he was hunting in Africa. He was aiming at a zebra when a leopard starting chasing him. John wanted to grab his rifle, but soon realized that he didn’t have it in his pouch! But the leopard was already a couple meters away from him… so John acted like his fingers were guns… and shouted BAM! BAM! BAM! very loudly… and to John’s surprise… the leopard collapsed… and died!”

    The old man replied, “That’s nonsense! Someone else must’ve done it!”

    The doctor, with a sly smile on his face, simply responded, “I think so too.”

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  • Blond Jokes: Laughter or Limit?

    A blond woman and her boyfriend go to a comedy club to see a ventriloquist. Midway through the show, the comedian starts setting his dummy up for a whole bunch of blond jokes. The woman laughs along at first, but eventually it’s too much for her to take.

    “Hey! It was funny for a while but that’s enough! I’m blond, and I don’t like people assuming I’m dumb! It’s not fair!”

    The comedian, taken aback, says, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying….” She cut him off.

    “I wasn’t talking to YOU!”

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  • Two hunters

    Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapsed.

    The other grabbed his phone, called emergency services, and yelled, “Help! We were out hunting, and I think my buddy’s dead! What do I do?!”

    The operator said calmly, “All right, sir. First, make sure he’s dead.”

    There was a pause… then two gunshots.

    The hunter came back on the line and said, “Okay — now what?”

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  • The last soup

    As the dingy, small restaurant is about to close, a customer rushed through the door and said: “Please, I am starving, I will order anything you have or anything easy to make. Plus a soup.”

    The waiter replied: “Sure, we have some rotisserie chicken that we can bring to you, but we are all out of soup.” Pointing to the corner of the restaurant, he said, “That gentleman ordered the last one.”

    The last customer then noticed a lone, sad looking man sitting at a small table with his head down, with a full bowl of soup in front of him. After contemplating a bit, he asked in a gentle voice: “Sir, I noticed that you have not eaten your soup. If you don’t mind, may I have it?”

    The sad man silently moved the dish with bowl of soup and soup spoon towards the direction of the last customer.

    “Thank you, thank you!” the last customer took the soup back to his table and started eagerly eating it… until he noticed the dead rat at bottom of the bowl.

    Totally disgusted by what he saw and ate, he vomited violently, back into the bowl. finally, after he calmed down, wiped tears off his eyes and dabbed the corner of his mouth with a napkin, he noticed the sad man looking mournfully at him.

    “I know, that’s what I did too.” The sad man said.

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  • Party at the neighbor’s place

    A guy moves to the middle of nowhere in Alaska — no towns, no roads, just snow and existential dread.

    About a week later, there’s a knock at the door. He opens it to find a man standing there like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

    “Hey,” the man says. “I’m your neighbor — I live about fifteen miles away. I’m throwing a party tonight and wanted to invite you.”

    The new guy brightens up. “A party? Out here?”

    “Yep,” says the neighbor. “There’ll be drinking and fighting…”

    “Wow,” the new guy says. “Sounds fun.”

    “…and then sex, there will be loads of sex.” the neighbor adds.

    The new guy freezes. “Uh — okay. How many people are coming?”

    The neighbor smiles. “It’ll just be you and me.”

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  • Rude Parrot

    A woman was walking past a pet store when she noticed a parrot perched outside on a T-stand. As she went by, the parrot squawked, “You’re ugly!”

    Mortified, the woman walked on, hoping it was a one-time thing. But the next day, it happened again — and the day after that too. Finally, she stormed into the shop and complained to the owner.

    Furious, the owner scolded the parrot. “If you ever insult that woman again,” he warned, “you’ll regret it.”

    The next day, the woman walked by once more. The parrot stared at her silently for a moment… then leaned forward and said, “Hey lady!!! You know…”

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  • Church’s Board Meeting

    After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church’s board following the close of the service.
    The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

    “You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members,” explained the minister.

    “I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

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  • Born without a chin

    Little Johnny’s mom sits him down before they go visit their neighbor who just had a baby boy.

    “Listen to me very carefully,” she says. “The poor baby was born without a chin because of a rare genetic condition. His mother is extremely sensitive about it. If you make even the tiniest comment about his chin, you are grounded for a whole month. Got it?”

    Johnny nods obediently.

    They arrive, chat for a while, and then Johnny turns to the new mom with a sweet smile and asks:

    “When your son grows up, will he move out of the house one day?”

    “Yes, of course, hopefully when he goes to college.”

    “Will he wash his own bedsheets?”

    “Well, who else is going to wash them? Yes.”

    “And will he iron them too?”

    “Yes, he’ll iron them.”

    “And put them away in the closet?”

    “Obviously, where else would they go?”

    “So, how is he going to fold them?”

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