Delivery Style: buildup

Buildup joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • That Bar Shit Is Over

    My wife and I had only been married two weeks when I told her, “Honey, I’m going to Hank’s Tavern for a beer. I’ll be right back.”

    “Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” she asked.

    “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” I said. “Just for a beer.”

    “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the fridge and showed me 25 different kinds from 12 countries.

    “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar they have frozen glasses…”

    “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She pulled out a huge frozen mug from the freezer.

    “Yes, Tootsie Roll… but they have really good hors d’oeuvres there too…”

    “You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She took out trays of chicken wings, pigs in blankets, and mushroom caps.

    “But baby, at the bar there’s swearing and dirty words…”

    “You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKIN’ BEER IN YOUR STUPID FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DUMB ASS HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ MARRIED NOW — THAT BAR SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?”

    Exactly why I’ve been married for 27 years….

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  • The Golf Mulligan

    A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.

    She’s covered in blood from a head wound and my friend immediately starts looking her over right there in the lobby of the emergency room to find her wound.

    Trying to remain calm he asks, “What happened here, sir?”

    The husband is in a panic and totally exhausted from carrying her dead weight from the parking area, and is just stumbling over his words and rambling all over the place as he tries to explain.

    “Well, me and my wife have been married for 35 years and every Saturday morning since our wedding day we’ve played a round of golf together. You see her dad was a local golf pro…”

    “Sir, please try to focus here. How did your wife get injured?”

    “Sorry. So I play from the men’s tees, she plays from the women’s tees, and she normally drops me off in the cart before heading over to her tee box, and waits for me to hit and then I walk over to her.”

    “Sir!” My buddy’s getting frustrated, because he’s really struggling with the wound, there’s a lot of blood, and he’s working frantically at this point.

    “I’m explaining it to you, son! So anyways she drops me off like always and I set up for my drive and I thinned it! I never thin it! Never! But, TODAY, I thinned it! Lo and behold that ball had eyes for my dear wife, Agnes’ head. I yell ‘Fore!’ but she wasn’t looking and boom! Straight to the back of her head!”

    He just starts weeping at this point, clearly overcome by guilt.

    Finally my buddy finds the cause of the bleeding but he’s confused.

    “Sir, I actually see two injuries here.”

    The old man dries his eyes, instantly gains his composure, and states matter of factly, “Well I had to take a mulligan.”

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  • A Quick 9 Holes

    A guy and his wife had their 27th wedding anniversary last Sunday.

    He said, “Honey, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, and have an awesome evening planned for the two of us. But would it be alright if I got in a quick 9 holes first?”

    She replies, “Of course. Go have some fun!”

    He goes to the golf course and decides to have a beer before teeing it up. A very attractive blonde comes up to him at the bar and says, “I’ve had my eye on you for years. Forget golf for today, chug your beer, and we’re going back to my place!”

    She’s not going to take no for an answer, drags him back to her house, and screws his brains out!

    The man, feeling extremely remorseful, decides that he has to tell his wife about his infidelity, and he returns home.

    The GPS shows that his house is right around the corner from where he cheated on his wife, and he realizes that he just slept with his neighbor!

    He walks through the door and tells his wife, “Honey, I have to tell you something. I didn’t end up playing golf today. I haven’t been faithful to you, and actually ended up sleeping with Jennifer from two streets away.”

    His wife replied, “Bullshit! You rat bastard, you played 18 holes, didn’t you!”

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  • The Gorilla and the Pith Helmet

    A lion was drinking at the water hole, when a big horny gorilla saw the lion’s rusty bullet hole.

    Quick as a flash the gorilla was humping the lion.

    After struggling to get free, the furious lion chased the gorilla through the jungle.

    The gorilla was miles ahead when he found a clearing. There was a tourist sitting on a deck chair wearing a pith helmet and reading the paper.

    The tourist crapped himself and scarpered, the hat and paper were tossed into the air.

    The gorilla quickly put on the pith helmet, sat on the deck chair, and was pretending to read the paper.

    The lion entered the clearing and said, “Did you just see a gorilla run through here?”

    The gorilla said, “What, the one that shagged the lion down by the watering hole?”

    The lion said, “Aww, it’s not in the fuckin’ papers already is it?”

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  • Still Under the Cart

    While golfing, a guy accidentally overturns his golf cart in a tremendous crash.

    A very attractive female golfer, who lives in a townhome overlooking the golf course, hears the crash and calls out, “Are you okay?”

    “I’m okay, thanks,” says the guy, as he pulls himself from the twisted golf cart wreck.

    She says, “Come up to my home, you can recover for a bit, and I’ll help you with the golf cart later.”

    Even being a bit dizzy, the guy couldn’t help but notice that her bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be an amazing figure.

    “That’s mighty nice of you,” he answers, “but I really don’t think my wife would approve.”

    “Oh, come on now,” she insists.

    She was so pretty, so very persuasive, and the guy was so relatively dazed!

    “Well okay, but I’m quite sure my wife won’t be happy with me.”

    After a couple of gin and tonics, he thanks her and says, “I feel a lot better, and I know that my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d best leave now.”

    “Don’t be silly!” she said with a coquettish smile, letting her robe fall even slightly more open. “Stay for a while. She won’t know a thing, we can have another drink.” Then she asks, by the way, “Where is she, anyway?”

    The guy replies, “Probably still under the cart, if I were to bet.”

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  • Widdle Wabbits

    A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, “Excuse me, do you have any widdle wabbits?”

    The shopkeeper’s heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft fluffy widdle wabbit, or one like that brown one over there?”

    The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, “I don’t weally fink my anaconda gives a phuc.”

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  • Just Walk

    A group of tourists got turned around on a backroad and spotted an old local sitting by the path. They stopped to ask for directions and how long it would take to get to the train station.

    The old man simply pointed toward the horizon.

    “Alright, but how long will it take?” one of the tourists asked. “An hour? More?”

    “Just walk,” the old man said flatly.

    “Yeah, we’re going to walk,” the tourist replied, a bit annoyed. “But we need to know the timeframe. How long will it take us to get there?”

    “Just walk,” the old man repeated.

    “Look, can you answer a simple question or not?” the tourist snapped, convinced the old man was losing his grip.

    Thinking the man was just senile, the group turned around and started walking away. They had only gone about fifty yards when they heard the old man shout after them:

    “It’ll take you about an hour and a half!”

    The tourists stopped and yelled back, “Why couldn’t you just tell us that in the first place?”

    “Because,” the old man yelled, “I had to see how fast you walk!”

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  • Praise the Lord

    Frank walked into “Miller’s Ranch” out in rural Arizona, looking to buy himself a good, dependable horse.

    Old Mr. Miller said, “I’ve got the perfect one for you, but he was trained a little different — to make him go, you shout ‘Praise the Lord!’ and to make him stop, you yell ‘Hallelujah!’”

    Frank chuckled and said, “Well, I’ve been married 40 years — I can remember two words. Let’s take him for a spin.”

    Frank was grinning ear to ear, flying down the dusty trail, wind in his hair, feeling 25 again.

    Then he noticed they were heading straight toward a steep canyon.

    “Whoa!” he hollered — but the horse just kept running.

    “Stop!” he yelled — still nothing.

    Panicking, he tried every word he could think of, but that canyon was getting closer by the second.

    Just a few feet from the edge, it hit him.

    “Hallelujah!” Frank screamed.

    The horse slid to a perfect stop inches from the drop-off.

    Frank wiped his brow, looked up at the sky, put his hand over his heart, and said softly…

    “Praise the Lord.”

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  • You Have 5

    Doctor tells the patient, “You have an incurable disease and you don’t have that much time before you die.”

    Patient asks, “How long before I die, doc?”

    Doctor goes, “You have 5…”

    Patient asking frantically, “5 what? 5 years? 5 months? 5 days?!”

    Doctor, “4.”

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