Delivery Style: list

List joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Martha Stewart Tips for Rednecks

    Martha Stewart Tips for Rednecks

    DINING OUT

    1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

    1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

    PERSONAL HYGIENE

    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
    2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
    3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

    DATING (Outside the Family)

    1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
    2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

    THEATER ETIQUETTE

    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
    2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

    WEDDINGS

    1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

    DRIVING ETIQUETTE

    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
    2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
    5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
    6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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  • Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee

    Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee

    1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

    2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

    3. When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.

    4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.

    5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell ’em “Delta’s ready when you are!”

    6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

    7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy ’em!)

    8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.

    9. Offer to send ’em a bottle of fresh air.

    10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)

    11. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War”, always interject that “there was nothing civil about it.”

    12. Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.

    13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”. (Amen)

    14. Put Tabasco on everything.

    15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!”, say “Well, I’ll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”

    16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.

    17. Name all of your children “Bubba”. (or just call ’em that!)

    18. Use the word “reckon” in a sentence and watch their reaction.

    19. “Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.

    20. Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin’ to do” something.

    21. Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.

    22. Be sure to include “yes/no ma’am/sir” in all conversations…Offends the heck out of ’em.

    23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. “Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there…” “You said left.” “Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..”

    24. Ask them if it’s still snowing up North. Then tell ’em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

    25. Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.

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  • Advice for Yankees Moving South

    Advice for Yankees Moving South

    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

    2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.

    3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

    4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

    6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

    7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

    8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

    9. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

    10. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

    11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    12. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.

    13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

    14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

    15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

    16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

    17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

    18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

    19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

    20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

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  • Woman BJ Etiquette Rules and Mens Response

    Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules (and Men’s Response)

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    Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules

    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

    2. Extension to rule #1 – So if you get one, be grateful.

    3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.

    4. Extension to rule #3 – No, I DON’T have to swallow.

    5. My ears are NOT handles.

    6. Extension to rule #5 – do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on you?

    7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

    8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” – get it through your head – I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.

    9. Extension to #8 – “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls! If you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.

    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

    12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

    13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get B. J. often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

    16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.

    Man’s reply to Woman’s B. J. Etiquette

    1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

    2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

    3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?

    4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it & be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.

    5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won’t have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth…because you won’t have any.

    6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the smell off your breath we would stick around afterward.

    7. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.

    8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

    9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

    10. At least there is no danger of bleeding in your mouth.

    11. Play with the balls.

    12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.

    13. B. Js are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

    14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.

    15. Make hay when the sun shines. It’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.

    16. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?

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  • You Know Youre a Whore When

    You Know You’re a Whore When……

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    1. You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
    2. Arsenio touches your knee.
    3. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
    4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
    5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
    6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
    7. The EPA comes looking for you.
    8. You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
    9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
    10. When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
    11. When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
    12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
    13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
    14. Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
    15. When they change your # to 976.
    16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
    17. McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
    18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
    19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
    20. When you’ve got a “Take a Number” machine at your door.
    21. When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
    22. When you get haemorrhoids on your shoulders.
    23. When getting dressed is not part of your day.
    24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
    25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
    26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
    27. When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
    28. When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
    29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
    30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
    31. On the golf course, you’re afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
    32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
    33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
    34. When you have a neon sign saying “open at night”.
    35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
    36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
    37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
    38. You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
    39. When sunlight scares you.
    40. When your favourite quote is “next please”.
    41. You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
    42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
    43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
    44. When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
    45. When everyone refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
    46. When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
    47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
    48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
    49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
    50. The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
    51. When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”.
    52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
    53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
    54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
    55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
    56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
    57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
    58. When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
    59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
    60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window.

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  • Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)

    The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)

    15. Strawberry flavoring provides no actual nutrients.

    14. Caution: Your partner may become unwilling to purchase the cow when milk is plentiful and free of charge.

    13. Help! I’m trapped in a condom factory in Hong Kong.

    12. Do not use if already semen-filled.

    11. Will not prevent the endless ridicule from best friends who saw you leaving the bar with the mustached woman shortly before closing time.

    10. Caution: Sheep have been known to bite.

    9. Training wheels not included, Quick-Draw McGraw.

    8. Expires: 4/1/07. Hell, you might as well just throw this away now, Sparky.

    7. After closing time at the bar, some settling may occur.

    6. Use of this product outside the holy sacrament of marriage may cause eternal suffering in hell. Just saying.

    5. Warning: Object in condom may be substantially smaller than wearer claims.

    4. “Reservoir” tip is a naming convention only and not meant to describe actual holding capacity.

    3. Does not protect against cucumber aphids.

    2. Personally Inspected by John Ashcroft.

    1. Caution: Always keep in a moist, dark place.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)

    The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)

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    15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.

    14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.

    13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?

    12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.

    11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.

    10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”

    9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.

    8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.

    7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.

    6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.

    5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.

    4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!

    3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.

    2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.

    1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex

    The Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex

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    15. Madonna: “Dammit, you’re blocking the mirror!”

    14. Verizon Wireless guy: “Can you feel me now? Good. Can you feel me now? Good. Can you….”

    13. Charlie Sheen: “Do you take MasterCard?”

    12. Susan Sarandon: “Let’s just continue with the inspections for a little while longer.”

    11. Anna Nicole Smith: “Quick! Someone get a defibru… a defebrul… a diffruberal… a doctor!!”

    10. Jack Webb: “Just relax, Ma’am.”

    9. Andy Rooney: “Didja ever notice how sometimes your anus contracts during orgasm? Why is that?”

    8. Winona Ryder: “How the hell should *I* know where your wallet is?!?”

    7. Ben Affleck: “Thank you, Satan!”

    6. Steve Irwin: “Crikey! A whopper like that could swallow a guy whole!”

    5. Tony Blair: “Mind if I call you ‘Georgie’?”

    4. Pat Sajak: “Yes, I can give you an ‘O’ — in fact, I can give you several!”

    3. Wilt Chamberlain: “Next!”

    2. Michael Jackson: “Where’s your daddy? Where’s your daddy?!?”

    1. Simon Cowell: “That was horrible! Just dreadful. I believe you may be the worst sex partner in the world! I mean it, that was absolutely atrocious. I wouldn’t even call that sex.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV

    The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV

    15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.

    14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.

    13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.

    12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.

    11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”

    10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.

    9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.

    8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.

    7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.

    6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.

    5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.

    4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.

    3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”

    2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”

    1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    15. You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

    14. Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

    13. Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

    12. Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

    11. Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
    You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

    10. The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

    9. Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

    8. There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

    7. You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

    6. Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

    5. After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.

    4. There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.

    3. You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

    2. Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

    1. Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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