I fell asleep with the “calming nature rhythms” station on and woke in a cold sweat when humpback whales were about to fuck on top of me.
Delivery Style: narrative
Narrative joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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My Uncle Larry once told me that you knew you had a good strong
My Uncle Larry once told me that you knew you had a good strong penis if you could lift weights with it. At least, that’s how I explained the whole bowling ball/SuperGlue incident to the ER staff.
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Indestructible Walls Kool-Aid
fishy @fishbowel
Me: I love my new indestructible walls I just wish I had some kool-aid
*audible thud outside house*
Me: what was that
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A Count or a Cunt
A kid went away to college and grew a goatee, and was very proud of it. He took a selfie and sent it to his dad with a note:
“This makes me look rather like a count, does it not?”
Dad turns to mom and says, “Kid’s grown a beard, but still can’t spell.”
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One Hell of an Outdoorsman
A guy goes in for a physical; the doctor asks about his activity level. “What do you mean?” asks the guy.
The doctor says, “Well, for example, what did you do yesterday?”
The guy says, “Yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk, about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and in my eyes. I jumped three feet in the air when I almost stepped on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills and hacked my way through some tall grass. After that I was so exhausted and dehydrated, I drank eight beers.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor says, “Sounds like you are one hell of an outdoorsman!”
And the guy says, “Actually, I’m just a really shitty golfer.”
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Tom Jones and the Siamese Twins
A pair of drop-dead gorgeous female Siamese twins who were joined at the hip saw the ad for the concert in the local paper. One of them said, “Hey, Tom Jones is in town! How would you like to go and see him?” They agreed to go, hoping they might get to meet him.
Tom Jones did in fact notice them from the stage and asked for them to be sent to his room. After a couple of drinks, he asked them if they would be into any hanky-panky, and one of them definitely was, but the other one not so much. Tom asked the other one what she likes doing, and she said she actually likes to play the trombone, so he picked one up from the horn section so she could keep herself amused while he had his way with the other one.
A couple of years later, there was another ad in the paper that the twins saw, and one of them said, “Hey, would you like to go see Tom Jones again?”
The other twin replied, “Do you think he would remember us?”
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The Potato in the Speedo
A guy is having trouble getting women’s attention at the beach. He tells the lifeguard:
“I’ve walked past every woman on this beach and none of them so much as glance my way. I’m even wearing my best Speedo to show off all the work I’ve put in at the gym. I don’t know what else to do.”
The lifeguard says, “Oh, that’s easy! Just put a potato in your Speedo and you’ll have all their eyes glued on you. Trust me.”
So the next day he does just that, and then goes to see the lifeguard:
“Hey man, so I did get a lot of looks, but not quite what I was expecting. They all looked completely disgusted and appalled, and not turned on at all.”
So the lifeguard looks down at his waist area:
“Okay, well, I guess I should have specified — you have to put the potato in the front of your Speedo.”
