Delivery Style: observational

Observational joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Martha Stewart Tips for Rednecks

    Martha Stewart Tips for Rednecks

    DINING OUT

    1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

    1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

    PERSONAL HYGIENE

    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
    2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
    3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

    DATING (Outside the Family)

    1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
    2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

    THEATER ETIQUETTE

    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
    2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

    WEDDINGS

    1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

    DRIVING ETIQUETTE

    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
    2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
    5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
    6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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  • Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee

    Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee

    1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

    2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

    3. When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.

    4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.

    5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell ’em “Delta’s ready when you are!”

    6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

    7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy ’em!)

    8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.

    9. Offer to send ’em a bottle of fresh air.

    10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)

    11. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War”, always interject that “there was nothing civil about it.”

    12. Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.

    13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”. (Amen)

    14. Put Tabasco on everything.

    15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!”, say “Well, I’ll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”

    16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.

    17. Name all of your children “Bubba”. (or just call ’em that!)

    18. Use the word “reckon” in a sentence and watch their reaction.

    19. “Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.

    20. Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin’ to do” something.

    21. Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.

    22. Be sure to include “yes/no ma’am/sir” in all conversations…Offends the heck out of ’em.

    23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. “Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there…” “You said left.” “Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..”

    24. Ask them if it’s still snowing up North. Then tell ’em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

    25. Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.

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  • Dinosaurs Died Before Fried Chicken

    Sometimes when I eat fried chicken, I tear into it and pretend I’m some kind of prehistoric dinosaur making a kill. But then I realize that it’s pretty silly because dinosaurs all died long before fried chicken ever walked the earth.

  • Advice for Yankees Moving South

    Advice for Yankees Moving South

    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

    2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.

    3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

    4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

    6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

    7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

    8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

    9. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

    10. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

    11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    12. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.

    13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

    14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

    15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

    16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

    17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

    18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

    19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

    20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

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  • Lifeguard Certification Test

    I took my lifeguard certification test the other day, but failed miserably. It turns out you need to do more than just run up and down the beach in slow motion.

  • Sex Best Exercise

    Sex Best Exercise

  • Asleep Eat Spiders

    Asleep Eat Spiders

  • Singing Shower Soap Opera

    Singing Shower Soap Opera

  • Anal Lube

    Anal Lube

    Always check there’s no “Anal lube” in your photo before posting it on the internet!

  • Priests Dont Look

    Priests Dont Look

    miguel ruiz @maneruiz

    You know you’re getting older when you walk past a couple of priests and they don’t even look at you…

    6:17 PM – 18 May 13