Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Well I’m Here Now

    A member of the KGB is walking along a production line in a factory and decides to ask a few questions of one of the workers.

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had a drink of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker thinks a bit and replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had five drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker again considers this a bit and again replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had ten drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker answers quickly, “Well, I’m here now…”

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  • British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children

    British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.

    Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

  • Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

    Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

  • Shingles Delivery

    Kevin walked into a doctor’s office, and the receptionist asked, “What do you have?”

    “Shingles,” Kevin replied.

    She took down his name, address, insurance information, and told him to have a seat.

    Fifteen minutes later, a nurse’s aide came out and asked, “What do you have?”

    “Shingles.”

    She recorded his height, weight, and medical history, then told him to wait in the examining room.

    Half an hour later, a nurse came in and asked, “What do you have?”

    “Shingles.”

    She took his blood pressure, drew some blood, performed an EKG, and told him to undress and wait for the doctor.

    An hour later, the doctor came in, saw Kevin sitting there in the nude, and asked, “What do you have?”

    “Shingles.”

    The doctor looked confused. “Where?”

    Kevin pointed outside and said, “On the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em?”

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  • Lawyer and Doctors on a Plane

    A lawyer sits in the aisle seat on a plane next to two doctors and kicks off his shoes.

    The doctor in the middle seat says, “You know what, I’d really like a coke.”

    The lawyer says, “I’ll get it for you.” He gets up and while he’s gone, the middle doctor picks up one of the lawyer’s shoes and spits in it.

    When the lawyer returns, the doctor in the window seat says, “You know what? I’d like a coke too.” The lawyer obliges and gets up, during which time the doctor in the window seat spits in the lawyer’s other shoe.

    When the plane lands, the lawyer puts his shoes on, immediately realizes what happens, and says, “Why must this animosity continue between our professions? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

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  • Little Johnny Vocabulary Check

    An older neighbor runs into Little Johnny as he’s coming home from school

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “How are you, Johnny?”

    “Fine.”

    “And how is school?”

    “Fine.”

    “And how are your parents doing?”

    “Fine.”

    “Tell me, do you have any other words in your vocabulary besides ‘Fine’?”

    “Dad said I’m not allowed to say ‘Fuck Off’ yet.”

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  • Why Do You Have to Be Careful When Trees Start Dropping Feathers Instead of Leaves

    Why do you have to be careful when trees start dropping feathers instead of leaves?

    It could be your down-fall.

  • The Worst Possible Place to Sell Seashells

    When you think about it, it’s the worst possible place for her to sell seashells.

  • Before the Crowbar Was Invented

    Before the crowbar was invented, I bet that crows used to just drink at home.

  • The Only Food That Can Make You Cry

    My cousin was going on and on about how an onion is the only food that can make you cry without eating it. So I hit him in the face with a coconut.