It’s daylight savings time! Don’t forget to not shut the fuck up about how the time change has really “thrown you off” for the next 2 weeks!
Delivery Style: satirical
Satirical joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Homecoming Queen
Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is really nothing more than a high-stakes version of “Wouldn’t it be funny to elect the ugly girl homecoming queen?”
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The Top 14 October Surprises
14. A final, no-holds-barred presidential debate is hastily scheduled by the producers of “American Gladiators.”
13. Supreme Court opens their new session by replacing “yea” or “nay” with “left” or “right.”
12. Donald Trump provides incontrovertible proof that he’s not a Russian spy by revealing that he’s a Chinese spy.
11. Bill already advertising for interns on Craigslist.
10. The pumpkin spice craze is a secret chemical warfare plot concocted by Donald Trump to turn the entire world orange.
9. Ronald Reagan rises from the dead, just to show that he can.
8. Hillary’s server full of e-mails advocating “grabbing Bernie by the droopy balls.”
7. Oddly enough, Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction has had a Hillary figure ready to go since 1996.
6. Hearing a 9-year-old tell a 7-year-old his costume is culturally insensitive.
5. The press rebrands the Affordable Care Act as the Holy-Cow-Talk-About-Sticker-Shock Care Act.
4. Scientists discover that Trump’s hair is a living creature that controls the empty puppet underneath.
3. Anthony Weiner: the dick that keeps on giving.
2. E-mail discovered on Anthony Weiner’s computer reveals that his birth name was Anthony Vajayjay.
1. Not a soul has come from the future to put a stop to this madness.
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Spotify Hackers Threaten Nickelback List
BFF @YrfBFF
Damn you, hackers! Is nothing sacred!?
Spotify Hackers Threaten to Reveal Full List of Users Who Listen to Nickelback
By Jesse McLaren August 21, 2015
New York, NY- The stock market remains in chaos as a hacker group makes yet another threat to reveal sensitive information from music streaming service Spotify’s databases. This comes one week after the outing of a Florida Congressman as a subscriber to various Creed playlists
PHOTO: Nickelback posing in truckstop bathroom.
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The Top 17 Tweets From President Trump
17. Winning! Winners win. And I’m a winner who wins, believe me. #ohfucknowwhatdoido
16. My huuuge hands typing this from the Oval Office! #HowYouLikeMeNowHillary
15. Nobody told me the White House was such a dump. Not a single gold toilet. Sad. #3rdWorld
14. Why do they call it the White House when the kitchen is full of Hispanics? #TrumpHouse
13. @SCOTUS You’re Fired! #TreatGovernmentLikeBusiness
12. #100days: abolish Obamacare, export all illegal immigrants, mount Paul Ryan’s balls in the Oval Office #sweetrevenge
11. @PutinRF_Eng Lincoln bedroom stocked with #Stoli; waiting for your arrival #USARUS
10. White House? Not on my watch. 2,600 gallons of gold gilt paint on the way! #Glitterpalooza #BlingHouse
9. Note to self: thank Kellyanne Conway, notify her she won’t be paid.
8. Just sold Washington Monument to China #suckers #shippingisextra
7. Got the nuclear codes, so excited: 398236. #watchoutisis #makeamericaglowagain
6. Melania looks stunning lying naked on the Oval Office’s new polar bear-skin rug, trust me. #MakingAmericaBoneAgain #Bigly
5. WTF? Canada’s Prime Minister keeps calling, saying USA needs to pay for his wall.
4. WH needs new housekeepers. @AliciaMachado, job is yours if you can drop 20 lbs!
3. Just sent my homey @Comey a thank you gift: orange jumpsuit for @Hillary. #orangeisthenewpantsuit
2. That Lincoln bedroom is SO uncomfortable. No wonder he shot himself. #HoleInTheHead #LumpyMattress
1. First official act: Lady Liberty loses the burka, shows some leg, gets bigger tits #StatueOfLame #6atBest
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Marriage Not as Good as Predator, Say Men
Marriage not as good as ‘Predator’, say men
MARRYING a woman who shares your hopes and dreams is still nowhere near as good as Predator, according to a new survey.
A poll of husbands for Bride magazine found that 80% rated the Schwarzenegger epic had higher levels of excitement and intellectual stimulation than a lifetime commitment to some woman.
