Delivery Style: storytelling

Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • No Fuck No Ride

    A truck driver and his pet parrot were hauling a load of chickens. He stopped to pick up an attractive hitchhiker, swung the door open and asked, “You want a lift?”

    “Yes, thank you!” she said and started to climb in when the parrot exclaimed, “Wanna fuck?”

    “No!” she answered and the parrot screeched, “No fuck no ride!” and fluttered like crazy, scaring the hitchhiker off.

    The truck driver was appalled and told the parrot he should be ashamed of himself and not to let it happen again. The parrot squawked his call of agreement and nodded his head.

    Further down the road they happened upon another hitchhiker – this time a musician with a guitar on his back.

    The trucker stopped, swung the door open and said, “Howdy, stranger! That sure is a nice guitar. Need a lift?”

    “Sure do, thanks, mister,” he answered but once again the parrot screeched, “Wanna fuck? No fuck no ride!” and the trucker sped off, embarrassed and furious at his parrot.

    “Damn it, bird! What did I say about this earlier? If you pull that stunt one more time I’m gonna throw you in the back with the chickens!” The parrot squawked, “All right, all right, not again.”

    Several miles down the road they saw another hitchhiker and the trucker gave the parrot a stern look but the parrot did the same thing all over again and the trucker had finally had enough.

    He threw the parrot in the back with the chickens, convinced the hitchhiker it was all a misunderstanding and to accept his offer for a ride and had a pleasant conversation as they headed down the road.

    Just before they reached the next town the trucker noticed a police car, lights on and siren wailing, pulling up beside him and ordering him to pull over.

    “What seems to be the problem, officer?” the trucker asked. “I wasn’t speeding, I have all my numbers and my load is secure.”

    The trooper yelled, “Secure load? You have a 12-mile trail of chickens being chucked out the back by a parrot yelling ‘No Fuck, No Ride!’”

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  • The Chicken Was Delicious

    Four brothers left home for college — one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a scientist, and one an entertainer. They all went on to be very successful.

    When their elderly mother was living alone, each son decided to give her a special gift.

    Years later, the brothers were talking about what they had done for her.

    The first said, “I had a beautiful, large house built for Mama.”

    The second said, “I installed a state-of-the-art home theater — cost a small fortune.”

    The third said, “I bought her a brand-new luxury car with a full-time chauffeur.”

    The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mama loves reading the Bible — and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. It took 12 scholars and 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 20 years, but it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name the book, chapter, and verse.”

    A few weeks later, Mom sent out her thank-you notes.

    To the first son, she wrote: “The house you built is enormous. I live in one room, but I have to clean the whole thing. Thank you, dear.”

    To the second son, she wrote: “The theater is lovely, but I don’t hear well anymore and I can barely see. Thank you anyway.”

    To the third son, she wrote: “The car is beautiful, but I rarely go anywhere. I mostly stay home. Thank you all the same.”

    And to the fourth son, she wrote: “You were the only one who truly put thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious.”

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  • No Honey, No Butter

    One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.

    His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”

    A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.

    “Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”

    That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.

    She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.

    Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”

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  • Everything’s Bigger in Texas

    A blind man travels to Texas and checks into a hotel.

    When he gets to his room, he feels around and runs his hand across the bed.

    “Good grief, this bed is huge!” he says.

    The bellhop chuckles and replies, “Sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”

    Later that evening, the man heads down to the hotel bar.

    He climbs onto a tall barstool and orders a beer.

    The bartender sets a giant mug in front of him.

    The man feels around the glass and says, “Wow, this drink is enormous!”

    The bartender laughs and says, “Well sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”

    After a few beers, the man asks where the restroom is.

    The bartender says, “Second door on the right.”

    The man heads down the hallway but accidentally walks into the third door instead.

    Unfortunately, that door leads straight to the hotel swimming pool.

    He falls in with a big splash.

    A moment later he pops his head above the water, waving his arms wildly and shouting:

    “DON’T FLUSH! DON’T FLUSH!”

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  • The Elevator Operator

    I took an elevator up to the 69th floor for a meeting and as I was getting out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I grumbled, “Don’t call me son. You’re not my dad.”

    He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

    After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down and the same operator was there.

    I didn’t say anything to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, “I’m sorry.”

    “Because you thought you were my dad?” I asked him.

    He shook his head. “No, son, because I let you down.”

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  • Hung Like a Horse

    This horse and rabbit were hanging out in their pasture when the horse went to get a drink out of the pond. Something spooked him and he fell in the mud and got stuck. The rabbit scampered off and got into the farmer’s Mercedes and drove down, threw a rope, and the horse bit the rope and the rabbit was able to pull them out.

    A couple of days later the rabbit fell in the mud, so the horse wanted to return the favor. He galloped over, straddled the pond and let his dong down for the rabbit to grab onto. The rescue was successful.

    The moral of the story is that when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes.

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  • The Leprechaun Wish at the World Cup

    England had made the FIFA World Cup final, but poor Nigel was absolutely gutted. Due to a spate of bad financial luck, he had to cancel his plans to travel across the pond and cheer on his countrymen in person.

    While sulking on a walk, he spotted a four-leaf clover.

    “Maybe my luck has turned,” he said hopefully to himself.

    He picked it up, and suddenly, a little leprechaun with a bushy red beard appeared. It did a little dance and sang: “Hiya! I’m Happy McTavish, the magical leprechaun! It’s yer lucky fuckin’ day! Make yourself a wish, and I’ll grant it straight away! He-he-he!”

    Nigel didn’t hesitate. “I wish to be on the pitch with England in the World Cup final!”

    “DONE!”

    The leprechaun snapped its fingers, and a moment later, Nigel was on the pitch. It was all he could do to not burst into tears. Then Nigel thought – Hold on. Where are my arms and legs?

    Then BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face.

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  • Do You Have a Weedeater

    Two Tennessee rednecks decided they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

    Bubba turns to Billy Ray and says, “Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.”

    Billy Ray really doesn’t think very much, but says that he’ll go along for the ride.

    The next day, Bubba and Billy Ray go down to the Community College, and Bubba meets the Admissions Counselor. After a short discussion, the Counselor signs Bubba up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

    “Logic?” Bubba says. “What the heck is that?”

    Well, the Counselor says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”

    “Yeah, I sure do,” says Bubba.

    “Then I can assume, using logic, that because you own a weedeater, you must have a yard,” replied the Counselor.

    “Hey, that’s really good!” replied Bubba.

    The Counselor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also probably own a house.”

    Impressed, the redneck said, “That’s amazing, yes, I do have a house!”

    “And because you have a house, and a yard, you might also logically have a family,” said the Counselor.

    “Hey, this is some good stuff! Yes, I do have a family!” says Bubba.

    The Counselor said, “I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

    “Yes, I sure do have a wife, her name is Betty Sue,” said Bubba.

    The redneck was starting to catch on.

    “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are probably heterosexual,” said the Counselor.

    “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard, figuring all that out ’cause I own a weedeater! I can’t wait to take this logic class!” said Bubba.

    The redneck, so proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Billy Ray was waiting.

    “So what classes are ya takin’?” asked Billy Ray.

    “Math, English, History, and Logic!” replied Bubba.

    “Logic?” Billy Ray says. “What’s that?”

    Bubba says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”

    “No.”

    Perplexed, Bubba ponders for a moment, then says, “Then you’re homosexual, ain’t ya.”

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  • Perfect Eyesight on the Fairway

    Arthur is 75 years old…

    He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago.

    One day, he arrives home looking downcast.

    “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I couldn’t see where it went.”

    His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.

    As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?”

    “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

    “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

    So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

    “Of course I did!” the brother-in-law answers. “I have perfect eyesight.”

    “Where did it go?” Arthur asks.

    “I don’t remember.”

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  • May I Speak to Mr. Green

    A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone…

    “Can I speak to Mr. Green, please?” a little voice at the other end asks.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” the receptionist says, “Mr. Green died last week.”

    “Thank you.” The little voice then hangs up.

    The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”

    The receptionist says, “I’m pretty sure you called yesterday, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead.”

    “Thank you.” The little voice responds again, then hangs up.

    The next day, the phone once again rings, and the same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”

    The receptionist is getting quite annoyed at this point. “Look, I know you’re the same person who called the last two days, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead! What about that don’t you understand!”

    The little voice responds, “Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love to hear you say it.”

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