I should be happy because I have a new girlfriend. The problem is she has the same name as my sister. So every time we have sex now…
…all I think about is my new girlfriend.
Delivery Style: surprise twist
Surprise twist joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Golfing Widower
Jim and Bob are golfing together on a Sunday morning. They’re both on the green, which is near a county highway.
As Jim lines up his putt, a funeral procession goes by on the highway. Jim immediately stops, takes off his hat and bows his head.
Bob is impressed. “Wow, Jim. That’s really a profound sign of respect. I’m impressed.”
Jim answers, “Well, Bob. We were married for 41 years. It’s the least I could do.”
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Impressed by My Fat Balls
Don’t be impressed by money, followers, degrees and titles. Be impressed by humility integrity, generosity and my fat balls.
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Just Found Out My Girlfriend Is Cheating
Just found out my girlfriend is cheating on me 😞
@shitheadsteve
Huh?
Jesus that sucks
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Tigers and Meth I’m In
Joe: Wanna marry me?
Me: Nah, im straight
Joe: I got tigers and meth
Me: You son of a bitch, I’m in!
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The Sperm Count
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave him a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.” The next day, the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,
“Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left — nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too — first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees — but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open!”
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Everything Is Big in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!”
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Rose, What Was the Name of the Restaurant?
Two older gentlemen are chatting after dinner while their wives are in the kitchen.
“We had a lovely meal at that new restaurant in town the other night,” said one to the other.
“That’s nice,” said his friend. “What was the name of the restaurant?”
“Oh, what’s the name of the lovely scented flower that grows on a thorny plant?”
“Rose?” replied the friend.
“That’s it.” Then, turning toward the kitchen, the gentleman called out, “Rose, what was the name of the restaurant the other night?”
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The Vegas Prostitute
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip and runs into the most beautiful woman he has ever met. He starts talking to her, and to his luck, he finds out she is a prostitute. So he asks her,
“How much for a hand job?”
“$5,000,” she replies.
“$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way.”
“Walk with me,” she replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment, ending up in front of a restaurant. “You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs.”
He ponders for a moment. “Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright.” He brings her back to his hotel room, gets the hand job, and as advertised — it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks, “Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?”
“$15,000,” she replies.
“$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!” he shouts.
“Come to the window.” They walk to the window and she begins to point. “You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs.”
“Fine, how can I say no?”
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. “Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?”
“Come to the window.” He follows her to the window, ready for anything. “Do you see all of Las Vegas?” she asks.
“No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!” he exclaims, astounded.
“No…” she looks down. “But I would if I had a pussy…”
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The Gynaecologist
A beautiful, sassy lady got into a compartment where three men were seated. They were staring at her. She said if they gave one dollar each, she would show her legs.
Immediately, three dollars fell onto her lap.
She lifted her dress to her knees. Indeed, the legs were nice.
Then she said, “Five dollars each, I’ll show my thighs.” Came fifteen dollars, and she lifted her dress high up till her panties.
Then the bomb came.
“Thirty dollars each, I will show where my gynaecologist operated on me.”
Salivating, the three men gave the money.
A station was nearing and the train slowed down. She showed the hospital next to the station — “This is where my gynaecologist operated on me” — and got off the train.
