Format: anecdotal

Anecdotal comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Tickets Please

    Three retired NASA engineers and three IRS accountants are taking an Amtrak train to a conference in Chicago.

    At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and notice the three engineers buying only one.

    “How are three grown men going to ride on one ticket?” one accountant asks.

    “Just watch,” one of the engineers says with a grin.

    They board the train. The accountants sit in their seats while the engineers squeeze into a restroom and lock the door.

    Soon the conductor walks through the carriage calling, “Tickets, please!” He knocks on the restroom door. The door cracks open and a single hand sticks out holding one ticket. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The accountants nod at each other, impressed.

    After the conference, the accountants decide to try the same trick on the way home. This time they proudly buy just one ticket.

    To their surprise, the engineers don’t buy any at all.

    “How are you riding without a ticket?” an accountant whispers.

    “Just watch,” the engineer replies.

    On the train ride back, the accountants pile into one restroom and the engineers slip into another.

    The train pulls out of the station. A few minutes later, one of the engineers quietly steps out of his restroom. He walks over to the accountants’ door and knocks.

    In his best official voice he says, “Tickets, please.”

  • I Thought Ye Said a Protestant

    An Irish daughter left home for 5 years and returns.

    When she returns, her Father curses her badly.

    “Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

    The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”

    “Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

    “OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera.”

    “What was it ye said ye had become?”, says Dad.

    Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!”

    “Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”

  • I Have a Gun and I Know How to Use It

    An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

    The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

  • Im William the Little Bastards Name Is Kevin

    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandad says in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.”

    Another outburst, and she hears him calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

    At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again, “William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”

    Impressed, she approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. You kept your composure the whole time, calmly saying things would be okay no matter how loud and disruptive he got. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

    “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I’m William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

  • My Sock Fell Off

    My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent…

    So, I woke him up at 2am to tell him my sock fell off and then again at 4 to tell him I needed to pee.

  • Theyre Having a Yard Sale

    One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time, my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

    “Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”

    “Yes,” she said. “They’re retired prostitutes — they’re having a yard sale.”

  • Does It Hurt as Much as Tennis Elbow

    A man got on the train with both front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

    The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after several curious glances, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

    She kept looking, thinking hard, then finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

  • The Hard Disk

    Last night, my friends and I went to a geek strip club called “The Hard Disk.” Lame, you say? What if I told you they only charged $20 for a laptop dance?