When it comes to being a good father for my daughters, I have three unwritten rules:
1)
2)
3)
Format: list
List comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Shit Happens According to Religion
Taoism — Shit happens.
Buddhism — If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam — If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism — Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism — Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism — This shit happened before.
Catholicism — Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna — Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism — Send more shit.
Atheism — No shit.
Jehovah’s Witness — Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism — There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science — Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism — Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism — Let’s smoke this shit.
Existentialism — What is shit anyway?
Stoicism — This shit doesn’t bother me.
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Childhood Punishments, Adult Goals
All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals:
Eating vegetables, staying home, taking a nap, going to bed early. -
The Top 16 Lesser Known Paths to the Dark Side
The Top 16 Lesser Known Paths to the Dark Side
16. “Mr. Lucas — can I show you the preliminary sketches for my ‘Cute Gungan’ character?”
15. Do tequila shots while watching the Home Shopping Network.
14. At only $3.99, that Yanni CD is just too cheap to pass up. I mean, that’s practically FREE, man.
13. Hide your evil corporate doings behind the smiling face of a cartoon mouse.
12. “Whitney and Bobby, I now pronounce you man and wife.”
11. On a dare, watch a muted “Gigli” while listening to William Hung’s latest album.
10. Try to pay for more than 10 power converters in the Tashi Station express lane.
9. You feel an other-worldly presence inspiring you as you introduce Paris Hilton to Kato Kaelin.
8. Puns.
7. Your senior thesis: “John Wilkes Booth: American Patriot.”
6. Return to your childhood for inspiration in choosing your post-Jedi name, “Darth Blankie.”
5. “An interest-free loan? Oh man, Mr. Gotti, you’re a life-saver!”
4. A seemingly innocent pairing of Martha Stewart bed linens with Christopher Lowell pillow shams.
3. Tentatively decide to approach Ted Nugent with your idea for curbing the neighborhood’s population of stray pets.
2. “I love your hair, Mr. Trump.”
1. Offer your services to Death Row Records as house grammarian.
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Words at the Funeral
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husband’s funeral.
“Certainly,” she replied.
He stood up and said, “Plethora.”
The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that means a lot.”
Another man stood up and said, “Bargain.”
The widow replied, “Thanks, that means a great deal.”
Yet another stood up and said, “Earth.”
“Thanks,” she said. “That means the world.”
Another man stood and said, “Infinity.”
The widow smiled and replied, “Thanks, that means more than you can imagine.”
Yet another stood up and said, “Retirement.”
The widow said, “Thanks, my husband would have loved that.”
Finally, one man simply held up a sprig of Mentha spicata.
The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that’s a lovely scent of mint.”
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The Sparrow the Cow and the Cat
Little sparrow was flying south, running away from winter. Unfortunately it was so cold, that the bird froze and fell onto a pasture. A cow was passing by and took a dump on the bird. Because the turd was warm, it thawed the sparrow and it started feeling better. He sat in the turd, and soon he felt so happy that it started chirping. But a cat was passing nearby, who heard the bird’s song, then pulled it out of the turd and ate it.
The moral:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend.
If you’re in deep shit, don’t tweet about it.
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Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)
The Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)
13. Maybe it’s the burqas, but there’s something unsettling about Jihad and the Pussycats.
12. Miss Hannigan is hard of hearing and thinks she has been promised 72 urchins.
11. You overhear “Eh, what’s up, bin Doc?”
10. Who else would have masterminded the tainted spinach outbreak last September?
9. You hear “Arriba! Arriba!” and look up to see an unattended, ticking package where there was nothing a moment before.
8. Cathy hasn’t packed on as many pounds over the years as you’d think: “Ack! This sweater won’t fit over my suicide belt!”
7. “I tawt I taw an imperialit devil. I did! I did see an imperialit devil!”
6. He’s on Al-Jazeera declaring, “Ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdeath to America!”
5. When that sociopathic, sadistic bitch once again yanks the football away from Charlie Brown, he cuts off her hands then has her stoned to death.
4. Your interrogators seem to think this Pinocchio character is lying.
3. “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Rabbit season!” “DucKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!”
2. Seen taking ACME BAT WING flying lessons without learning how to land.
1. “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some mustard gas today.”
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The Top 13 Paris Hilton Pet Peeves
13> Those nouveau riche morons who have absolutely no sense of decorum.
12> Can never remember the name of that guy she slept with in London. If only there were some way to make a record of when that happened.
11> Olfactory flashbacks from the Arkansas season of “The Simple Life.”
10> People who ask you to sign stolen towels.
9> Thinking that uncool and/or nonrich guys might be jerking off to her video.
8> Getting a paper cut from the envelope while forwarding your $375,000 Amex bill to Dad.
7> Always had to milk the ugly cow during the first season of “The Simple Life.”
6> Jerk waiters who think they’re better than you just because they know how to read those stupid menus.
5> Andy Warhol’s ghost constantly showing up with a stop watch.
4> “Since that pudge skank Nicole lost all that weight, now I look like a *fat* size 4.”
3> When you go to buy a new Bentley and they don’t have one with an interior that complements your dog’s Prada rain slicker?
2> Caterpillars that crawl in one ear and take, like, an hour before crawling out the other side.
And Topfive.com’s Number 1 Paris Hilton Pet Peeve…
1> No Nobel prize for skankery.
[The Top 5 List www.topfive.com]
[Copyright 2005 by Chris White]
