Format: narrative

Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Need a Drink?

    A couple of drinkin’ buddies who are airplane mechanics are out at SFO and it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. And one of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

    “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel — that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”

    So they do, and they get smashed and have a beautiful time, like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and just knows his head is going to explode when he gets up. He knows it. It doesn’t. He gets up, it feels good — in fact he feels great. NO hangover!

    The phone rings. It’s his buddy.

    The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

    And he says, “I feel great!”

    And the buddy says, “I feel great too! You don’t have a hangover?”

    And he says, “No — that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover — we ought to do this more often.”

    And he goes, “Yeah, we could. There’s just one thing…”

    He says, “What’s that?”

    And he says, “Did you fart yet?”

    “What??”

    “Did you fart yet??”

    “No…”

    And the buddy says, “Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!”

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  • It’s Friday

    Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

    “Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…”

    And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

    The officer sighed and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

    Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”

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  • Pastor Fuzz

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. “Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

    “Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

    When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

    The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”

    The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.”

    The bartender nodded. “Well, if you’re that far you may as well finish.”

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  • Port Makes Me Fart

    A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well-groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

    He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.

    “On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

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  • Got a Dog Named Chunks

    A guy comes into work one morning and tells his buddy, “Boy, I feel like shit today.”

    Buddy says, “What’s wrong?”

    Guy says, “Got drunk last night, went home and blew chunks.”

    Buddy says, “Nothing wrong with that.”

    Guy says, “Yes there is… Got a dog named Chunks.”

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  • I’m Going Home to Screw the Cat

    Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.

    The second mouse slams a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those D-Con tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.” And with that he slams another shot.

    The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.

    The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the heck are you going?”

    The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to screw the cat.”

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  • You Left Without Your Wheelchair Again

    David is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o’clock, last round is called, and although he knows he shouldn’t, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste just too good.

    After the final beer, he slides from his stool and immediately drops on the floor. This was not what he had expected. He knew he had some, but… He tries to get up but again he falls. After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home.

    At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly inside to his bed and slips under the covers without awakening his wife.

    The next morning his wife asks him furiously, “Were you drunk again last night?”

    David is surprised and asks her how she knew.

    “They just called from the bar. You left without your wheelchair again.”

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  • Breakfast

    The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

    “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning.”

    “There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

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  • You’re Sitting on the Mop Bucket

    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

    “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

    “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

    With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

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  • The Top 16 Little-Known Ways Beer Has Shaped History

    16. Benjamin Franklin was actually higher than his kite when he discovered electricity.

    15. September 6, 1945, New Haven, CT: A drunken future president utters the phrase, “Don’t worry, Barbara, I’ll pull out.”

    13. Patrick Henry, a pitchman for Liberty Ale, comes up with the first ubiquitous beer-promotion catchphrase.

    12. “Look, Tom, we’ll keep the ‘endowed by their Creator’ part as is, but that ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of beer’ part needs work.”

    11. It prevented the extinction of ugly people.

    10. Babylon, 552 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar II combines hanging gardens with fermented beverages to create the world’s first Dave & Buster’s.

    9. The invention of beer led directly to the invention of Slim Jims and microwave burritos.

    8. March 22, 1967: In Santa Monica, CA, Dave Barham drank two six-packs of beer, saw a rainbow, and envisioned a brand-new uniform for his “Hot Dog On A Stick” employees.

    7. How else was Joseph gonna believe that “but I’m still a virgin” story?

    6. Bartholomew: “Aww, BOGUS! I totally left the Master’s Holy Grail at that kegger back in Ephesus! Man, seven grails of ale and I forget everything!”
    Luke: “Don’t sweat it, Dude. The Grail’ll turn up.”

    5. There’s a well-kept secret about the crew of the Hindenburg and their drunken fart-lighting contests.

    4. Fifteenth-century Scotland: Golf was invented after some pub friends bet each other how far their testicles would travel when hit by a broomstick.

    3. “Hey, Adolph, I hear Poland has good beer.”

    2. July 1880: At a neighborhood barbecue at the McCoys, Lyle Hatfield suggests that Miller Lite is “less filling.”

    1. If the Dutch hadn’t brought that pre-dealmaking keg of Heineken to Manhattan, those twenty-four dollars’ worth of beads wouldn’t have looked so appealing.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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