Format: narrative

Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Can I Drive the Family Car?

    Son just turned 16.

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    Son: Dad, I just got my license, can I drive the family car?!

    Dad: Can your dick touch your ass?

    The son goes in private, tries, and comes back to say no, Dad, in disappointment.

    Dad: Then you can’t drive the family car.

    Son turns 17.

    Son: Dad, can I drive the family car now?!

    Dad: Can your dick touch your ass?

    The son goes in private, tries, and comes back to say no, Dad, in disappointment yet again.

    Dad: Then you can’t drive the family car. Maybe next year.

    Son turns 18.

    Son: Dad, I’m an adult now, can I finally drive the family car?!

    Dad: Can your dick touch your ass?

    The son goes in private, tries, and comes back excited to say, “Yes, I can!”

    Dad: Then go fuck yourself, ’cuz you ain’t driving the family car.

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  • Death by Unga Bunga

    Three explorers crash-land their plane on an uncharted tropical island. The isolationist islanders promptly capture the three survivors and put them on trial for trespassing. Surprisingly, the grand chief of the island speaks broken English.

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    “You break harmony on our land,” he says. “There are two punishments for this offense: death, or unga bunga. Choose.” The chief points at the first explorer.

    The first guy chooses unga bunga, because what could be worse than death? Then three islanders step out and drop their loincloths to reveal porn-sized penises. The three islanders then fuck the explorer six ways from Sunday. Once the islanders are spent, the explorer is released.

    The chief then points to the second explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    The second explorer weighs his options. After an excruciating exchange in his own head, he meekly replies, “Unga bunga.”

    Three more islanders drop their loincloths, their penises even bigger than the ones before. They have their way with the second explorer and then release him.

    The chief points at the third explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    “Death,” the explorer replies.

    The chief scratches his chin and reflects. “No one ever choose death before… Death by unga bunga!”

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  • Three Tough Rats

    Three rats were sitting around talking. The subject turned to how tough they were.

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    The first rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the traps they set out for us? I undo the latch and work out with them.”

    The second rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the poison pellets they set out for us? I chop ’em up with a razor blade and snort it.”

    The third rat starts to leave, and the other two ask him where he’s going.

    The third rat replied, “I’m going upstairs to fuck the cat.”

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  • Tight, Isn’t It?

    A man picks up a prostitute and is headed for the motel. She just cannot stop talking about how awesome her pussy is. They get to the motel room and undress.

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    To demonstrate, she says to him, “Put a finger in.” He puts a finger in.

    “Put two fingers in.” He puts two fingers in.

    “Put four fingers in.” He does.

    “Put your hand in.” He does.

    “Put your other hand in.” He does.

    “Now, clap!”

    He tries and tries, but cannot clap.

    She says, “Tight, isn’t it?”

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  • The Sperm Count

    An old man goes to the urologist to talk about having another child.

    The doctor says, “Do you know your sperm count?”

    The old man replies, “I didn’t know they could do math!”

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  • Best Costume

    A sure-fire way to win “best costume” at the next Halloween party is to have somebody embed a real chainsaw blade into your shoulder.

    Timing is crucial, though — you don’t want to pass out from loss of blood after 10 minutes, long before the costume judging begins, like I did.

  • A Little Fuck

    A midget is walking along a path when a beautiful blonde comes walking by in the other direction.

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    He says, “Hey beautiful, what do you say to a little fuck?”

    And she says, “Hello, you little fuck.”

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  • The Doctor’s Clinic

    A doctor couldn’t get hired at the hospital, so he opened his own clinic.

    Outside, he hung a sign:

    TREATMENT: $20
    IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU — YOU GET $100 BACK

    A lawyer saw the sign and thought, “I’ll make some easy money.”

    He walked in.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

    Doctor: “Nurse, bottle No. 14 — three drops on his tongue.”

    The lawyer sputters, “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”

    Doctor: “Great — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”

    Irritated, the lawyer returned a few days later.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”

    Doctor: “Bottle No. 14 again — three drops.”

    Lawyer: “Hey! That’s kerosene! You gave me that last time!”

    Doctor: “Perfect — your memory is back. That’ll be $20.”

    Fuming, the lawyer came back one more time.

    Lawyer: “My eyesight is terrible. I can’t see a thing.”

    Doctor: “I’m afraid we can’t help with that. Here — take this $100.”

    The lawyer looks at the bill.

    “Hey… this is only $20!”

    Doctor: “And just like that… your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”

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  • The Centipede’s Errand

    An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.

    The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more. The centipede says, “No, let me do it. You’d take too long. I have a lot more legs than you — I can do it faster!” The bugs agree.

    Ten minutes pass… then twenty minutes, then thirty, then more. The spider asks, “What’s taking him so long?” The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.

    The ant asks, “Hey man, what’s taking you so long?”

    The centipede replies, “I’m still putting on my shoes.”

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  • The Pumpkin Patch

    Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

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    The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

    The suspect explained he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,” he stated.

    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y’know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.”

    Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’”

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Shit… is it midnight already?”

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