I interviewed 10,000 thousand people who had played Russian roulette and not a single one of them were harmed from the game.
Format: narrative
Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Family Act
A family walks into a talent agency and says they have an act. The talent agent retorts, “I don’t sign family acts, sorry.” They reply, “Please! You’ve got to see our act.”
They spring into action. The dad pulls out a coffee table and the mom starts laying out saucers and teacups. The son places chairs around the table while the daughter serves blueberry scones. They proceed to enjoy a mid-morning tea and have polite conversation. They laugh and smile and bond as family.
When they finish their tea and scones, the agent asks, “What do you call your act?”
The family replies, “The cocksucking mother fuckers…”
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Little Johnny and Cows
Little Johnny is out riding his bike with his dad through the fields when he sees a bull on top of a cow.
Johnny: “Dad, what’s that bull doing?”
Dad: “Well, the sun’s about to set, Johnny, so the bull is just pushing the cow back into the barn.”Johnny: “Wow! It’s a good thing Mama held on to the kitchen table yesterday—otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way back to the post office!”
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I want puppies!
A little girl is walking with her grandmother when they see two dogs going at it.
When she asks what they’re doing, the grandmother sheepishly explains, “Well, they’re making puppies.”
That night, the girl walks into her parents’ room without knocking and sees her dad on top of her mom.
She asks what’s going on, and her dad says, “Well, I’m making you a little brother or sister.”
The girl says, “Flip her over, Dad—I’d rather get puppies!”
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Wise little girl
A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.
“What are they doing?” the girl asked.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
The girl thought for a moment, then said, “They’re just like people, aren’t they?”
“What do you mean?” Grandma asked.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they’ll fuck you every time.”
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Mean Students: A New Level of Average
I’ve had a lot of average students.
But none of them have been as mean as the ones I have this year.
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Twice the Trouble: A Wish Gone Wrong
A man meets a genie who grants him three wishes, but warns him: whatever he asks for, his ex-wife gets twice as much.
“Well,” says the man, “for my first wish, beat me half to death.”
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The challenge
A man walks into a bar and sees a big barrel full to bursting with $20 bills. He orders a drink and, striking up a conversation with the bartender, gets around to asking, “what’s the deal with the big barrel of cash?”
The bartender chuckles and says, “oh, for a $20 entry fee that can be yours. You just have to complete three tasks.”
The man perks up and says, “what do I have to do to win?”
The bartender says, “first, you need to do a shot of this hot sauce brewed from the hottest peppers in the world. After that, there’s a pitbull in the back. Take these pliers and pull out its rotten, sore tooth.”
The man balks at that, but says “what’s the third thing?”
The bartender says, “there’s an old lady who lives above the bar. Have sex with her until she’s satisfied and the money is yours.”
The man has a few drinks and thinks about it. Finally he slaps a $20 on the bar. The bartender pours a shot from the hottest peppers sauce and the man plugs his nose and downs the shot.
Next the man disappears and the whole bar hears the dog growling, barking and snapping. He comes staggering back into the bar, scratched and bloodied. After he catches his breath he turns to the bartender and says, “alright, where is this bitch with the bad tooth?”
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Don’t go in that field…
An undercover cop came to my farm out in the sticks yesterday evening.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.
“By all means, Officer—just don’t go in that field over there,” I replied.
The cop exploded. “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted, pulling a badge out of his back pocket. “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want, and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want. Have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to work.
A short while later, I heard loud screaming. I looked up and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by my angry bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like he was gonna get gored before he reached safety.
The officer looked terrified and kept running for his life.
I threw down my tools, ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:
“Your badge—show him your fucking badge!”
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Faked my age
A 60-year-old millionaire marries a hot 25-year-old woman.
After the honeymoon, they throw a party to celebrate their marriage. After a few drinks, the millionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed a 25-year-old hottie.
“It’s simple,” the millionaire boasts. “I faked my age.”
“Yeah, but even for a 40- or 45-year-old guy, she’s sensational. So what age did you tell her you were?” a friend asks.
With a smile on his lips, the millionaire responds, “85 years old.”
