Format: short

Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Blind Date’s Unusual Amusement Park Obsession

    A young man took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked.

    “I wanna get weighed,” she said.

    So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

    “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

    “I wanna get weighed,” she said.

    I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

    “Wousy,” said the girl.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Mailbox Meet-Cute Takes Unexpected Turn

    A man rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of an apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiled at her and she struck up a conversation. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was quite obvious that she had nothing on under the robe. He broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”

    He preceded her into the apartment, and after she closed the door, she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purred at him, “I saw you looking. What would you say is my best feature?”

    He cleared his throat several times, looked her up and down and finally managed to squeak out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”

    She was astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt — it’s firm, doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

    Clearing his throat once again, he stammered, “Outside when you said you heard someone coming — THAT WAS ME!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Check Fraud Gets Creative With Rental Excuse

    A man went to a woman in a bar and offered her 500 dollars for sex. He said that he did not have the money on him but he would mail her a check the next day. She agreed. The next day, the man changed his mind and had his secretary mail a check for 250 dollars with the following note:

    Dear Madam, Here is money I owe for the apartment you showed me. You will note that it is less than the agreed upon amount because when I rented the apartment I was under the following assumptions…
    that it was heated, that it had never been rented before and that it was much smaller than it was.

    The woman promptly replied with, “Sir, here is your check back. As for the apartment, it is heated, you simply did not know how to turn it on. Secondly, how could you ever think that such a beautiful apartment would sit vacant? And as for the size, it was just right and not my fault that you did not have the furniture to fill it!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Woman’s Expensive Evening Surprise Twist

    One evening after attending the theater two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, “I’d give 50 bucks to spend the night with that woman.”

    To their surprise, the woman turned and said, “I’ll take you up on that.”

    She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend good-night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25 dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, “If you don’t give me the other 25 I’ll sue you for it.”

    He laughed, saying, “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”

    The next day he was surprised when he was served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant…. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

    His lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented.”

    After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows:

    “Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”

    The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned…. This is what he said:

    “Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones; sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted.”

    The young lady’s lawyer’s comeback was like this….

    “Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent, however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted.”

    She got it….

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Quiz Show Victory Cut Short by Time

    Jane was a first time contestant on the $465,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.

    Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”

    “Relax, honey,” her husband, Bubba, reassured her, “It will all be OK.”

    Ten minutes after they arrived home, Bubba grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

    “Where are you going?” Jane asked.

    “I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.” He replied.

    Jane waited impatiently for Bubba’s return. After an agonising 3 hour absence, Bubba returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.

    “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”

    “What is it?” she cried excitedly.

    “OK. The question is ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’ And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”

    Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Bubba, who was asking her the quiz show question.

    “The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

    And Bubba asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

    “Jane, for $465,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”

    “Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.

    “Very good. Six seconds.”

    “Eh, uh, the heart?”

    “Very good! Four seconds.”

    “I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”

    “That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • John’s Noisy Bedsprings Keep Fred Awake Nightly

    It happened that when Fred and John went to College they got rooms in different levels of the building but right on top of each other. John’s room was above Fred’s room and John was always good with the woman.

    Every night since school started Fred would hear up above his room, “Claclopp! Claclopp!! Calaclopp!!!, Spring! Zippp! Ahhhaaaa!”

    It went on every night:…”Claclopp! Claclopp!! Calaclopp!!!, Spring! Zipp! Ahhhaaa!”

    Now Fred wasn’t a snoop and normally didn’t interfere on John’s love life or even ask of what went on every night. But one night it was different. Instead of the strange “Claclopp! Claclopp!!, Spring! Zippp! Ahhhaaaa!” He heard “Claclopp! Claclopp!!, Spring! Zippp! YEEeeOOWWWwwwwwweeeeeee!!!”.

    Fred was confused by this….not to mention scared out of his mind by the scream. So he took a step at getting intimate with his friend John. “Hey John,” he said that morning. “I really hate to pry but every night I hear this ‘Claclopp, Claclopp, Calaclopp, spring, zip, Ahhaaa. But last night I was frightened by a ‘Claclopp!!, Claclopp!!, Calaclopp!!!, Spring, Zippp, YEEeeOOWWWwwwwwweeeeeee!!!’ Do you mind explaining this?”

    “Well,” said John. “The Claclopp!, Claclopp!!, Claclopp!! was me running towards the bed. The Spring!! was me leaping in the air. The Zippp! was me zipping down my pants in mid air. And the AAhhhaaaa!! Was me settling my manhood in my girlfriend.”

    “So what was last night?” Fred asked.

    “Well,” he hesitated. “The Claclopp!, Claclopp!!, Claclopp!!! was me running. The Spring! was me leaping in the air. The Zippp was me gracefully zipping my pants down in the air. And the YEEeeOOWWWwwwwweeeeee!!!! was me landing my nuts on the bedpost.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Three Prisoners Make Animal Sounds

    Three men escape from prison. The first tells the others that the security will soon be looking for them.

    So, he suggests that each one of them climb a tree, and when the guards come, to make animal sounds and hopefully they will move on. All agree, and they all climb into different trees and try to hide.

    A while later, security guards arrive and began searching. They thought they saw something in the first man’s tree, so they shine their flashlight into the branches and say “Anyone UP there?” “Tweet, Tweet” comes from the tree, so one of the guards says “Oh, it’s only a bird!, move on.” The guards then look into another tree and says “Anyone UP there?” and the second man replies

    “Whhoo, Whhoo”. “Ah! It’s only an owl!, lets go!” The guards proceed to look at the next tree, and ask “I wonder if one of the prisoners are up there?”

    Shining the flashlight, they listened intently…

    “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Darwin Award Winners at Metallica Concert

    Darwin Strikes Again

    Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in a pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.

    According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later.

    They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife.

    The “soft” bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain.

    Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence.

    This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.

    “So that’s how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be” said Commissioner Appleton.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Deer Dragging Direction Makes All The Difference

    Two goober hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

    “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”

    After the third hunter left, the two goobers decided to try it.

    A little while later one said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”

    “Yeah,” the other added, “but we’re getting farther away from the truck….”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Wife Interrupts Husband’s Porn Search for Curtains

    A husband, his wife asleep, goes to the computer in the living room, opens the browser and starts looking through some porn pics.

    He’s looking, looking, suddenly he hears behind him:

    “Wait wait wait! Scroll up! Again! One more!.. Yes! These are the curtains I want for the kitchen!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail