I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the backdoor!”
Thinking back, I really should have run, but you don’t get offers like that every day.
Format: short
Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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My First Time With a Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 19 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused, so she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty. “Just a minute,” she said, and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. “Do these excite you?” she asked.
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
“Well, come on,” she said. “We don’t have much time.”
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW — I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
“Did you put that condom on?” she asked.
I said, “I sure did,” and held up my thumb to show her!
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The Old Man and the Prostitute
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hadn’t had a customer in a while, so she whistles at him and says, “Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”
The old man said, “But I won’t be able to…”
Prostitute: “C’mon man… give it a try…”
Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he’s done, the prostitute, all exhausted and tired, says, “But you said you won’t be able to…”
“…pay you,” replied the old man.
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The Circumcision
Two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
“I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It’s a breeze!”
“Well, what are you here for?” the second kid asks.
“A circumcision,” the first kid replies woefully.
The second kid says, “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
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Johnny Uses ‘Urinate’ in a Sentence
Little Johnny was in class, and his teacher was going through a list of words to have each student use in a sentence.
As she got closer to Johnny, she began to regret her decision. His word was “urinate,” and she really didn’t want to give it to him.
The teacher asked, “Who wants the next one?”
Little Johnny’s hand was waving in the air while no one else responded.
Defeated, the teacher said, “Okay, Johnny, your word is ‘urinate.’”
Little Johnny thought for a moment, then said, “My dad says you’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten.”
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Pepper
A woman is waiting in line at a grocery store. The woman in front of her keeps sneezing and letting out a loud moan after each one.
Woman #1 asks if she’s okay.
Woman #2 says, “I have this reaction where anytime I sneeze, I have an intense orgasm.”
Woman #1 asks if she takes anything for it.
Woman #2 sneezes again and moans out the word:
“Pepper!”
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The Three Stages of Marital Sex
A young man is getting ready for his wedding with his dad’s help.
While dressing, the dad says, “So you’re okay on the sex thing, right, son?”
“Yeah, sure, Dad. It’s all cool.”
The dad continues, “So you’re familiar with the three stages of marital sex, are you?”
“The three what?! Whatever, Dad. I got it!”
“No, really,” says the dad. “There are three stages of marital sex.”
“Okay, Dad. I’ll bite. What’s the story?”
The dad says, “There’s honeymoon sex, holiday sex, and hallway sex.
Honeymoon sex is what you would expect – you and your wife can’t get enough of each other. You’re constantly going at it.
But as life gets busy with kids, careers, and bills, the holiday sex stage takes over. You really only have time to get intimate on special occasions.
Then, finally, you reach the stage of hallway sex.”
“What’s that?” the son asks.
“Well, basically, that’s when you and your wife pass each other in the hallway and say, ‘Fuck you.’”
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Who Ate the Cleaner?
Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation.
“Well,” says the boss, “if I hire you guys, you have to promise not to eat any of our staff.”
The cannibals promise they won’t eat anyone, and they get hired.
Everything goes well for a while, until one day the boss calls them into his office.
“You’re working well and all, but we’re missing an office cleaner. Do you have something to do with that?”
The cannibals swear they’re innocent.
The boss believes them and leaves the office.
Their leader turns to the others and screams, “You idiots! Who ate the cleaner?”
One of the cannibals sheepishly raises his hand.
“You fool!” shouts the leader.
“For weeks we’ve been feasting on directors, team leaders, project managers, and human resources staff — and then you go and eat someone they’ll actually miss!”
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You Can Start Right Away
A campaigning politician was driving through the countryside, meeting his constituents.
As he passed a farmhouse, he struck and killed a rooster in the road.
He told the farmer, “Sorry, but I’ve run over your rooster.”
Reaching for his wallet, he added, “I’d very much like to replace him, of course.”
The farmer said, “Fine. You can start right away — the chickens are out back.”
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Little Johnny Explains What a Gnome Is
A teacher asks her class, “Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter ‘A’?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher thinks, I’m not calling on Johnny. He’ll say something like ‘asshole.’
So she calls on Suzy, who says, “Apple.”
“Very good!” says the teacher. “Now… who can tell me a word that begins with the letter ‘B’?”
Again, Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher thinks, I’m not calling on Johnny. He’ll say ‘bastard’ or ‘bitch.’
So she calls on Stephen instead, and Stephen says, “Balloon.”
This continues until they get to the letter G.
Again, Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher says to herself, I can’t think of a swear word that starts with G.
So she calls on Johnny.
“Gnome,” says Johnny.
Very surprised, the teacher says, “That’s excellent, Johnny! It does start with G, which is silent. Johnny, do you know what a gnome is?”
“Yeah,” says Johnny. “It’s the little shit who lives in my garden and fucks fairies.”
