Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Just Walk

    A group of tourists got turned around on a backroad and spotted an old local sitting by the path. They stopped to ask for directions and how long it would take to get to the train station.

    The old man simply pointed toward the horizon.

    “Alright, but how long will it take?” one of the tourists asked. “An hour? More?”

    “Just walk,” the old man said flatly.

    “Yeah, we’re going to walk,” the tourist replied, a bit annoyed. “But we need to know the timeframe. How long will it take us to get there?”

    “Just walk,” the old man repeated.

    “Look, can you answer a simple question or not?” the tourist snapped, convinced the old man was losing his grip.

    Thinking the man was just senile, the group turned around and started walking away. They had only gone about fifty yards when they heard the old man shout after them:

    “It’ll take you about an hour and a half!”

    The tourists stopped and yelled back, “Why couldn’t you just tell us that in the first place?”

    “Because,” the old man yelled, “I had to see how fast you walk!”

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  • Praise the Lord

    Frank walked into “Miller’s Ranch” out in rural Arizona, looking to buy himself a good, dependable horse.

    Old Mr. Miller said, “I’ve got the perfect one for you, but he was trained a little different — to make him go, you shout ‘Praise the Lord!’ and to make him stop, you yell ‘Hallelujah!’”

    Frank chuckled and said, “Well, I’ve been married 40 years — I can remember two words. Let’s take him for a spin.”

    Frank was grinning ear to ear, flying down the dusty trail, wind in his hair, feeling 25 again.

    Then he noticed they were heading straight toward a steep canyon.

    “Whoa!” he hollered — but the horse just kept running.

    “Stop!” he yelled — still nothing.

    Panicking, he tried every word he could think of, but that canyon was getting closer by the second.

    Just a few feet from the edge, it hit him.

    “Hallelujah!” Frank screamed.

    The horse slid to a perfect stop inches from the drop-off.

    Frank wiped his brow, looked up at the sky, put his hand over his heart, and said softly…

    “Praise the Lord.”

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  • One More Time

    A doctor tells his patient, “I have terrible news. You have a rare incurable condition and will be dead by morning.”

    The man goes home and tells his wife — it’s tragic, but there’s nothing to be done.

    They go to bed… he’s reflecting on his life… and looks at his wife, and thinks… one more time. He wakes her up… and they make love.

    She goes back to sleep, but he can’t sleep… and he looks at her again… and thinks… I gotta have it. He wakes her up, and they have sex.

    She goes back to sleep again. The hours pass. The sun will soon be up. He thinks, better to die happy… and he nudges his wife again… “How about it?”

    She looks at him angrily and says, “LOOK. I have to get up in the morning… YOU don’t!”

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  • Lost My Virginity To Or My Ex Girlfriend

    Lost My Virginity To Or My Ex Girlfriend

  • The Mercedes Sight

    An old guy from the countryside visits New York for the first time. He’s never seen so many cars, and he’s never been in one.

    He gets into a cab and starts asking the driver questions.

    “What’s that wheel for?”

    “That’s the steering wheel,” the driver says. “It lets me change direction.” He gives a quick demonstration, turning down a side street.

    “What about that button?”

    “That’s the horn. I use it to warn people.” He honks twice.

    “And what’s that?” the old man asks, pointing at the Mercedes emblem on the hood.

    “That’s a sight,” says the driver, deciding to have some fun. “It helps me aim at the people I want to run over.”

    With that, he lines up a pedestrian crossing the street, speeds up, then swerves at the last second.

    Suddenly… Bang! A loud crash comes from the side of the car.

    “Well,” says the old man, “you’ve got all these fancy gadgets, but you would’ve missed him if I hadn’t opened the door.”

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  • A Very Delicate Heart

    A retired fellow hadn’t been feeling quite right, so he went to see his doctor.

    After the exam, the doctor quietly asked his wife to step into the hallway.

    “I’m afraid your husband has a very delicate heart,” he said. “If you want him around a while longer, you’ll need to treat him like royalty — wait on him hand and foot, no stress, no chores, no lifting a finger.”

    On the drive home, the husband looked over nervously and asked, “So… what did the doc say?”

    His wife sighed and said, “He said you’re probably not going to make it.”

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  • Two Shots for Two Brothers

    An Irishman walks into a bar and orders two shots of whiskey.

    He downs both by himself and leaves.

    The next day, he comes back. Orders two shots. Drinks both. Leaves again.

    And that becomes routine.

    Every single day the guy would show up, order exactly two shots, down them in silence, and vanish like a secondary character in a film noir.

    Until one day the bartender can’t take the curiosity anymore.

    “My friend… why do you always order two shots?”

    The Irishman sighs, staring at the glass like someone who’s already cried listening to sad music in a pub at three in the morning.

    “My brother and I used to drink together every night. But he moved to the other side of the country. So I take one shot for me… and another for him…”

    The bartender nearly gets emotional. Thought it was beautiful. Brotherly stuff. Family ties watered with alcohol and emotional cirrhosis.

    Time passes.

    Until one night the Irishman walks in and orders just one shot.

    The bartender gets worried right away.

    “My God… did something happen to your brother????”

    The Irishman replies, “No, no. He’s doing great.”

    The bartender relaxes. “So why just one shot today?”

    The Irishman takes a calm sip and replies, “Because I quit drinking.”

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  • Keeping Em Awake

    During church yesterday, the pastor was 10 minutes into his sermon when he noticed his 7-year-old son in the balcony with a pea-shooter. The boy was leaning over the railing, carefully aiming and popping members of the congregation in the head. Just as the pastor was about to stop his sermon and give his son a public scolding, the boy hollered out, “You just keep preaching, Dad! I’ll keep ’em awake!”

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  • The Tightest Man in Town

    Old Mr. Patterson, the tightest man in town, was lying on his deathbed. As his final wish, he asked to be alone with his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor.

    “I know I can’t take it with me,” he whispered, “but I’m going to try.” He handed each man $150,000 and said, “Make sure this money goes in the casket with me.”

    A few days after the funeral, the pastor cleared his throat at the diner, “With a heavy heart, I confess… I only put $100,000 in the casket.”

    The doctor sighed and rubbed his temples, “Since we’re being honest, I only put in $80,000 myself.”

    The lawyer slammed his coffee cup down in disgust, “You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Taking money from a dying man?” he huffed. “Am I the only honest one here?”

    He pulled out his checkbook and waved it proudly, “I wrote him a check for the full $150,000!”

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  • The Golf Shot Behind the Barn

    A guy golfing with his wife gets to the first par 3 on the course. He lines up the shot, takes a swing and slices it way right of the green — landing behind a barn!

    He walks up to his ball and sees that he doesn’t have a shot to the hole because there’s a giant barn in the way.

    His wife chimes in: “Honey, why don’t you open up the front doors of the barn, I’ll open up the back doors, you’ll have a perfectly clear shot to the hole, and you can save par!”

    It was an amazing idea.

    So they open the doors and sure enough he has a perfect shot to the hole. He lines up the shot, takes a swing, shanks it badly, the ball ricochets off the barn, hits his wife in the head and KILLS her instantly!

    Years later, after remarrying, he takes his new wife to the same course.

    When he gets to the par 3 he takes his shot, slicing the ball way right, again landing directly behind the barn! Furious with himself, he walks up to the ball and just stands over his shot.

    His new wife says, “Honey, I have an amazing idea! Why don’t you open the front doors of the barn, I will open the…”

    The husband interrupts her — “WOAH HEY WHOA WHOA WHOA, WAIT A SECOND! The last time I did that on this hole, I wound up making a triple bogey!”

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