Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • # Death by Misadventure: A Forensic Paradox

    At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Here is the story. “On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).

    As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.”

    “Ordinarily,” Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

    “The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through a window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her — therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

    “The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

    There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder.

    This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. Yup, the son was Ronald Opus.

    The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.”

  • Hungover Me Vodka

    Hungover Me Vodka

    I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A GLASS OF WATER ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE WITH A NOTE SAYING “FOR HUNGOVER ME”

    I DRANK IT AND IT WAS VODKA. DRUNK ME CAN BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

  • Make It 52

    Make It 52

    At the store buying 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around and looked them in the eyes and said, ‘Make it 52.’

  • It’s the Truth I’m Worried About

    A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.

    “Are you afraid he’ll spread lies about you?” I asked.

    “I don’t mind the lies,” she answered. “But if he ever tells the truth, I’ll break his neck.”

  • The Pope’s Miracle Hearing

    The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage and asks him, “Can you help me with my hearing?”

    The Pope says, “Yes,” puts his hands on Billy’s ears, and prays. He removes his hands and asks, “How is your hearing now?”

    Billy says, “I don’t know, it’s not until next Wednesday.”

  • Smart Boss Hires Even Smarter People

    John visits his friend David, a fellow businessman, and clearly impressed asks him, “David, how do you keep this place running so smooth?”

    “Easy,” he said. “I surround myself with people who actually have a brain. Watch.” He calls his Chief Financial Officer and asks, “He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”

    The CFO responds almost immediately: “That’s me.”

    John is floored. He flies home, calls his own CFO, and says, “Mike, I’ve got a test for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”

    The CFO stammers for twenty minutes before asking for 24 hours to “research” it. He panics and calls Warren Buffet. “Sir, quick question: Your father’s son, but not your brother. Who is it?”

    Buffet sighs. “It’s me, Mike.”

    Mike runs to his boss, all proud. “Sir! I have the answer! It’s Warren Buffet!”

    John slams his desk. “No, you idiot! It’s David’s finance guy!”

  • Wife’s Accidental Car Meeting Goes Wrong

    Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!”

    “How did you meet this fellow?” He asked, very concerned.

    She said, “Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car.”

  • Biker Seeks God’s Greatest Creation

    Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

    Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself!”

    The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of ‘Woman’?”

    God says, “Ahhh, yes.”

    “Well,” says Davidson, “You have some major design flaws in your invention!
    1. There’s too much front end protrusion
    2. It chatters at high speeds
    3. The rear end wobbles too much
    4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust

    “Hmmm…..” replies God, “hold on”

    God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

    “It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, “but according to My Computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours!”

  • Three Nervous Drivers Learn Basic Car Operations

    As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

    Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car?”

  • Boss Notices Tom’s Perfect Timing Problem

    Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

    Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

    “Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

    “That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”