Joke Type: comparative

Comparative jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Be a Pet Fish

    I think it would be great to be a pet fish, except for that part where they taste their floating poop to see if it’s food.

  • Dating the Anatomically Disproportionate Guy

    “The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist,” reported the girl.

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    “You mean literally–whips and that sort of thing?” asked her roommate.

    “Worse than that! The creep screwed me with a four-inch penis and then French-kissed me goodbye with an eight-inch tongue!”

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  • Birds and Bees: A Comedy of Misunderstandings

    My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns

    A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”

    “Mom, I’m pregnant.”
    “How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
    “That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

    “Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

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  • Stop Biting Our Cheeks by 66

    It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something and we chew food for an average of 25 minutes per day. Using that logic, we will stop biting our cheeks by the age of 66.

  • German Study Challenges American Penis Research Findings

    Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own study.

    The Poles didn’t really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Polish study was complete. The Polish study came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

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  • Penguin Covered in Mustard

    Penguins are funny. Mustard is funny. But do you think a penguin covered in mustard would be funny? I don’t know, but it might help if he were wearing a bib, ’cause bibs are funny.

  • Checkout Girl’s Creative Sizing Solution

    This guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 mins in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms, not wanting to line up again he said to the girl “Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot”, to which she replied “Do you know what size you are?” and he said “no”.

    The girl then said “OK drop your pants and I’ll tell you what size you are”, the guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone “1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 Please”, he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way.

    Another male customer sees this and thinks he’d like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place only this time after having a feel she says “One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please”, the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.

    Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says “I’d like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot” and the girl replies “Do you know what size you are?” and he says “Nope” and then she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone “Mop and Bucket to aisle 3 please!”

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  • Toilet-Training Transferability

    As I watched my two-year-old drag his naked bottom across the carpet, I realized that perhaps I overestimated the transferability of the toilet-training skills I had initially honed with our puppies.

  • When Hunger Beats Romance Every Single Time

    I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend’s wife came out to feed them.

    The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself, “Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry.”

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  • Ohio Owes Buddy Holly an Apology

    If Ohio is the birthplace of both aviation and rock and roll, I’d say they owe that Buddy Holly fella an apology.