Joke Type: comparative

Comparative jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits

    Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.

    1. you don’t have to look your best

    2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

    3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

    4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

    5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

    6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

    7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

    8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

    9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

    10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

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  • Neckwear for an Octopus

    When choosing neckwear for an octopus, a bow tie is the way to go. A long tie is just likely to get tangled in the tentacles. Plus, most octopi believe that a bow tie makes them look like eccentric intellectuals rather than slimy cephalopods.

  • Aging and Facial Hair

    When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few days gave me a cool Don Johnson/Miami Vice look. Now that I’m in my forties, though, it tends to make me look more like Otis from Mayberry.

  • My Real Life

    I would be completely happy to just live in my dreams, if it weren’t for my girlfriend repeatedly changing into Hitler. No, wait a minute — that’s my real life.

  • Two-Hit Obscurity

    The only music groups more obscure than the one-hit wonders were those unfortunate enough to have only two hits, thereby keeping them out of any category worth remembering.

  • $50 Every Time

    My current girlfriend loves to give blowjobs. Then again, so would I if I got $50 every time I did it.

  • Dogs Chase Cars

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

  • Caviar and a Blowjob

    What’s the difference between caviar and a blowjob?

    No difference — you don’t get either of them at home!

  • Secretary of Defense

    If the top doctor and top lawyer are called the Surgeon General and the Attorney General, how come the person who heads up the military is called the Secretary of Defense? I suppose it’s because he can type really fast.