Joke Type: comparative

Comparative jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Regional Driving Habits and Stereotypes

    How To Identify Where a Driver is From

    * One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

    * One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

    * One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

    * One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California.
    With gun in lap: L.A.

    * Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

    * Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

    * One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

    * One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

    * One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

    * One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

    * Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia

    * Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

  • Biker Seeks God’s Greatest Creation

    Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

    Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself!”

    The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of ‘Woman’?”

    God says, “Ahhh, yes.”

    “Well,” says Davidson, “You have some major design flaws in your invention!
    1. There’s too much front end protrusion
    2. It chatters at high speeds
    3. The rear end wobbles too much
    4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust

    “Hmmm…..” replies God, “hold on”

    God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

    “It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, “but according to My Computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours!”

  • Car Brand Acronym Insults and Jokes

    AUDI
    Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
    Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

    BMW
    Be My Wife
    Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
    Big Money Works
    Bought My Wife
    Break My Windows
    Brutal Money Waster
    Business, Money and Woman

    BUICK
    Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

    CHEVROLET
    Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
    Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

    DODGE
    Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
    Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

    FIAT
    Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
    Fix It All the Time
    Fix It Again, Tony!

    FORD
    backwards –. Driver Returns On Foot
    Fault Of R & D
    Fast Only Rolling Downhill
    Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
    First On Recall Day
    First On Rust and Deterioration
    Fix Or Repair Daily
    Found On Road, Dead
    Found On Russian Dump

    GM
    General Maintenance

    GMC
    Garage Man’s Companion
    Got a Mechanic Coming?

    HONDA
    Had One Never Did Again
    Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

    HYUNDAI
    Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive . . .

    MAZDA
    Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

    OLDSMOBILE
    Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
    Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

    PROTON
    Possibly the Riskiest Option to Travel On-road Nowadays.

    SAAB
    Send Another Automobile Back
    Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

    TOYOTA
    Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

    VOLVO
    Very Odd Looking Vehicular ObjecT

  • German Car Parts Get Hilariously Mistranslated Names

    When the German language doesn’t have an existing word one can sometimes assemble a new one from bits they already have. Therefore non-british people who speak english should pronounce the german phonetically.

    INDICATORS Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
    BONNET Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
    EXHAUST Spitzenpoppenhangentuben
    SPEEDOMETER Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
    CLUTCH Die Kuplink mit achlippen und schaken
    PUNCTURE Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
    LEARNER Die Twatten mit Elplate
    ESTATE CAR Der Bagzeroomfurshagginaute
    PARKING METER Der tennarpinscher und Zlochenarr
    WINDSCREEN WIPER Der flippenflappenmuckenschpredder
    POWER BRAKES Der edbangeronvinschreen stoppenquick
    GEAR LEVER Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
    FUEL GAUGE Der Walletemptyung Meter
    BREATHALYSER Die Puffitinter fur Pistenarsen
    REAR VIEW MIRROR Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan
    SEAT BELT Der klunkenklikken frauleinstrapper
    HEADLIGHTS Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
    EXHAUST FUMES Die Koffundschplitterpoluter
    HIGHWAY CODE Der Wipen fur Arsen
    FOG WARNING Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkitt
    TRAFFIC JAM Die Bluddifuckin Dammundblast
    REAR SEAT Der Schpringentester
    TYRES Flatfahrts
    BACKFIRE Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen
    JUGGERNAUT Der Fukkengratt Trukken
    ACCIDENT Das Bleedinkmess
    NEAR ACCIDENT Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen
    GARAGE Der Hieway Robberung
    CYCLIST Der Peddallpushink Pilloken
    SKID Die Bannanen Waltzen
    DOUBLE WHITE LINES Overtaken und Krunchen.

  • The Computer

    Do you know why people call me “The Computer”?

    I fall asleep if left unattended for 5 minutes.

  • Office Profanity Code System Hilariously Revealed

    Interoffice Memo

    It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

    OLD PHRASE | NEW PHRASE

    No fucking way. | I’m not certain that’s feasible.

    You’ve got to be shitting me? | Really?

    Tell someone who gives a shit. | Perhaps you should check with:

    Ask me if I give a shit. | Of course I’m concerned.

    It’s not my fucking problem. | I wasn’t involved in that project.

    What the fuck? | Interesting behavior:

    Fuck it, it won’t work. | I’m not sure I can implement this.

    Why the fuck didn’t they tell me sooner? | I’ll try to reschedule that.

    When the fuck do you expect me to do this? | Perhaps I can work late?

    Who the fuck cares. | Are you sure it’s a problem?

    He’s got his head up his ass. | He’s not familiar with the problem.

    Eat shit. | You don’t say?

    Eat shit and die. | Excuse me?

    Eat shit and die motherfucker. | Excuse me, sir?

    What the fuck do they want from me? | They weren’t happy with it?

    Kiss my ass. | So, would you like my help with that?

    Fuck it, I’m on salary. | I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

    Shove it up your ass. | I don’t think you understand.

    This job sucks shit. | I love a challenge.

    Who the hell died and made you boss? | You want me to take care of this?

    Blow me. | I see.

    Blow yourself. | Do you see?

    Another fucking meeting? | Yes, we should discuss this.

    I don’t really give a shit. | I don’t think it will be a problem.

    He’s fucking retarded. | He’s confused.

  • Priest Scandals

    I’m really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.

  • Toxic Waste Pipeline Through a Recreational Area

    Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It had to be a mechanical engineer — look at all the joints.”

    Another said, “No, it had to be an electrical engineer. The nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections.”

    The third said, “Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?”

  • Priest Scandals

    I’m really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.

  • What the Engineer Says (What It Really Means)

    A number of different approaches are being tried.
    (We are still grasping at straws.)

    We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
    (We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

    Close project coordination.
    (We know who to blame.)

    Major technological breakthrough.
    (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

    Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
    (We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)

    Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
    (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

    Test results were extremely gratifying.
    (We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

    The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
    (The only person who understood the thing quit.)

    It is in process.
    (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

    We’ll look into it.
    (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

    Please read and initial.
    (Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)

    Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
    (We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)

    Give us your interpretation.
    (I can’t wait to hear this!)

    See me or Let’s Discuss.
    (Come into my office, I’m lonely.)

    All new!
    (Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)

    Rugged
    (Too heavy to lift!)

    Lightweight
    (Lighter than rugged.)

    Years of development
    (One finally worked.)

    Energy saving
    (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

    Low maintenance
    (Impossible to fix if broken.)