Joke Type: comparative

Comparative jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Differences Between You and Your Boss

    When you take a long time, you’re slow.
    When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

    When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
    When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

    When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
    When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

    When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
    When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

    When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
    When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

    When you overlook a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
    When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

    When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
    When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being cooperative.

    When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
    When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

    When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
    When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

    When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
    When your boss takes a day off sick, he must be very ill.

    When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
    When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

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  • Memo from Supervisor to Staff

    Memo from Director General to Manager:

    Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot.

    Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

    Memo from Manager to Department Head:

    Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

    The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

    Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

    The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

    Memo from Floor Manager to Supervisor:

    Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

    Memo from Supervisor to Staff:

    Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.

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  • Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

    10. Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a friggin’ box all day long.

    9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who’s behind you.

    8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

    7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you’ll get a piece of cheese.

    6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

    5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

    4. Twenty-three power cords — one outlet.

    3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

    2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers.

    1. You can’t walk out and slam the door when you quit.

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  • Laid Off the Rower

    The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

    Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

    The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

    So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

    The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

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  • Five People Have Jobs Worse Than Yours

    The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository. The ten-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

    Administering the daily medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

    Why am I telling you this? Just think — five people have jobs worse than yours!

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  • The Microsoft Building

    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

    The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign read “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

    People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

    After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

    The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

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  • If Dr. Seuss Wrote About Computer Users

    Tech: “I think I know from where your problems stem. Would you, could you, RTFM?”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem.”

    Tech: “Could you read the docs online? Would you read them any time?”

    User: “I would not read the docs online. Without them I can do just fine.”

    Tech: “Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? Is this something you could do?”

    User: “I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. Even the thought makes me spew.”

    Tech: “What could I suggest next? Would you read it in hypertext?”

    User: “I would not read help in hypertext, for the problem with which I am vexed.”

    Tech: “How about if you could read it through a conveniently placed system menu?”

    User: “I will not access help from a menu. That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo!”

    Tech: “How much simpler could this be? Did you try the help hotkey?”

    User: “I’ll try not a help hotkey, to that I will never agree!”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem!”

    Tech: “Since you will not RTFM, you I must now condemn”

    Tech: “To a life without working software, and a constant feeling of despair.”

    Tech: “You should read a book by Dr. Seuss, or maybe something by Mother Goose.”

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  • Techs to Change a Light Bulb?

    Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four hundred and seventy-two: One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…

    Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong… Have you tried the light switch?

    Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

    Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We just notice that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problem.

    Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.

    Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.

    Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.

    Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: The light bulb works fine in my office.

    Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.

    Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the new industry standard.

    Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider…

    Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two, and you’ll need a forty-eight-hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb, so don’t expect to see either bulb for a week or so.

    Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Zero — well, actually one: the one who told the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.

    Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. That’s a hardware problem.

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  • The Top 16 Signs the Call Center Employee You’re Dealing With Is Overseas

    16. Rather than reboot your PC to fix the problem, she suggests you sacrifice a chicken.

    15. John Smith… could you please spell that for me, sir?

    14. The hold music? Nothing but sitars, gongs, pan flutes and bagpipes.

    13. He tells you the problem with your Gateway computer is that you’re worshipping false bovine idols.

    12. The loud noises in the background are perfectly in synch with exploding bombs on live CNN war coverage.

    11. [Burrrp!] So sorry — my fermented yak milk is repeating on me today.

    10. Her first step toward solving your DVD player problem is instructing you to eject the disk.

    9. You accuse him of giving you the runaround. He corrects you, saying in his culture it’s known as the eightfold path.

    8. To sweeten the deal, he offers to throw in a couple of Russian orphans.

    7. “No, you stupid cow — I said CLOCKWISE! Great Buddha, you are dense!”

    6. “And while I have you on the phone, Mrs. Smith, may I tell you about my aunt, the widow of the deceased chief secretary to the deposed Prince Regent of Nigeria? You see, he’s living in exile and he has all of this money…”

    5. I’m sorry, Wing-Ma took the morning off for maternity leave. She’ll be back after lunch.

    4. Boy, what a commute this morning. My bus plunged off a mountainside — again!

    3. Hi, my name is Bob Deathtoamerica. How may I help you?

    2. Would you like to add the extended service agreement for an additional eighty wildebeest furs?

    1. I am sorry, but it is quite sunny here today, so I have no place to stick your overdraft notice.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2004 by Chris White

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  • Quotable Beer Quotes

    “If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, it makes the beer shoot out of your nose.” — Jack Handy

    It’s better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank.

    Beer — it’s just not for breakfast anymore.

    Beer — Nature’s laxative.

    “One more and I’ll be under the host.” — Dorothy Parker

    “Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza.” — Dave Barry

    “The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” — Humphrey Bogart

    “Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.” — David Moulton

    “A drink a day keeps the shrink away.” — Edward Abbey

    “People who drink ‘light’ beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.” — Capital Brewery, WI

    “Put it back in the horse!” — H. Allen Smith, after his first American beer

    “On the seventh day He brewed beer.” — Bill Bradshaw

    Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

    “I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”

    “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t have the decency to thank her.” — W.C. Fields

    Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

    The problem with jails is they have the wrong type of bars in there.

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